Little Thieves
by MehScrewIt
Summary: Set in an alternate universe where magic doesn't exist, the protagonist, ordinary young Stephanie Edgley, ekes out a life in Haggard Orphanage. Life is miserable, she has decided, but that doesn't stop her from dreaming. After all, one day her dreams just might come true. Just a little theft here and a little pickpocketing there. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?
1. Hay

**Thank you to those who read my other story! I wrote this one when I was procrastinating from revision.**

**I don't own the Skulduggery Pleasant series.  
**

**This is set in Ireland, late 1920's, and magic doesn't exist. Certain other things may be different too...**

* * *

Stephanie Edgley liked to think that she was a normal girl, a normal girl in a crowd of other normal people.

'What was the point,' she often mused, 'of being an exotic dun-jersey cow in the middle of other black-and-whites?'

No, she was definitely a normal girl.

Stephanie sighed. She took off her hat as her orphanage roof came into view.

Her parents, Desmond and Melissa Edgley, had died seven years prior, in a horrific accident involving a steam-train, when Stephanie was just nine years of age.

She reached the door of the orphanage and paused, placing her hand on the wooden frame for a moment to reflect.

She had just come from Sunday mass.

A sigh elicited itself from her lips.

There were times when she seriously questioned religion, questioned _Him._

How could He be so cruel, placing her in this orphanage? Taking her parents away from her like that?

'Still,' she thought, 'it could've been worse.'

And it could've been. She had heard of Oliver-Twist-style orphanages up and down the country, where children were frequently starved, flogged and publicly humiliated.

Yes, at least she wasn't in one of those.

The wooden panel beneath her hand disappeared as the door was wrenched open.

In the doorway stood a thin woman, her eyes were different colours, one blue, the other green, and her mouth was twisted in an ugly sneer.

She reached out and yanked Stephanie into the hallway by her ear.

Stephanie cried out.

The woman slammed the door. "What took you so long?" she hissed, her accent American. "Church ended half-an-hour ago, you were meant to come back. Do you know how irritating dealing with abandoned newborns are? Do you? Answer me, you little runt."

She twisted Stephanie's ear.

"No, miss. I don't."

"Damn right you don't, you stupid little girl." The woman shoved Stephanie away from her; Stephanie fetched up against the banister.

"You're worthless, you hear me?" the woman snarled. "You're a worthless piece of Irish trash, a stupid _whore._"

Stephanie nodded.

"Good. Go and clean out the stables', it's the only place a whore like you belongs."

"Yes, Ms Marr," she choked out.

* * *

The horses' stables were warm on that particular Sunday morning.

Stephanie found comfort in the familiar smell of horse hair and hay, even the fragrant manure was welcome.

She made her way over to her favourite horse, a small honey-coloured one with bright blue eyes. Its name-tag read _'Alice'._

"Hey, girl, how are you?" She patted the horse's neck.

Alice whinnied.

Stephanie smiled. "That's always good to hear." She rested her head on Alice's muzzle. "Sometimes I think they treat you better than they treat me."

Alice whinnied again.

Stephanie laughed, turning away. She shoved her shovel into the nearest mound of manure.

She didn't mind the physical labour; it made her strong, and she had decided long ago that if she ever wanted to leave this place she had to get stronger.

The chores set to her were gruelling and often repetitive, but Stephanie liked it that way, that way she didn't have to think if she didn't want to, and today she didn't particularly want to think.

Her shovel went into the manure again and again, clanking every time it scraped against the stable-floor. A light sheen of sweat coated her forehead.

She stopped to lean against the wall, slightly out of breath.

"That's your stable done, girl," she called to Alice.

Alice stomped her hooves merrily.

Stephanie chuckled.

She repeated the process of shovelling manure for the last two stables the orphanage owned before she dropped her shovel to floor and stretched, hearing multiple clicks as she popped her joints.

"I'll be back," she called over her shoulder, "just going to get your hay."

She made her way over to the barn, slipping in through the huge double-doors.

She was in a decidedly better mood than she had been earlier. God, she _loved _that horse.

She often day-dreamed about what would happen if one night she had courage enough to steal Alice, to saddle her up and ride away with her into the darkness.

She liked that daydream.

She looked over at the hay.

_Hay- _What a weird name for dried up pieces of grass, or whatever they were._ Hay, hay, hay, hay, hay- _

HEY!

Stephanie landed face first on the barn floor; her nose stung like nobody's business.

She turned to glare at whatever had just tripped her.

Her eyes widened.

There was a young man asleep in the hay. He had light brown hair, a smooth face, and was dressed as a simple farm-hand.

His eyes snapped open. They were a vivid, startling green.

Stephanie opened her mouth, unsure as to what she was going to do.

Suddenly, his hand came up and clamped her mouth shut.

"Whatever you do, don't scream," he said.

* * *

**Can you guess who it is?**


	2. Thief!

**Thank you to all you lovely, lovely reviewers who make a writer want to keep writing! I wanted to post this yesterday, but my phone was being stupid, so here I am on the computer, and here's the update.**

**YoungBlood364: Thank you very much!**

**LionsandTrolls: Congrats! 'Tis Skulduggery, and he's human... It's weird writing about him as a human.**

**Squishy: Here you are. Love your catchphrase by the way- "It is I, Squishy!".**

**Everything belongs to Derek Landy.**

* * *

_"Whatever you do, don't scream," he said._

Stephanie stared at him.

"Just don't scream, okay?" His voice sounded like what she had always thought velvet would sound like if the material had a voice: low and smooth. "Please?" he beseeched.

Stephanie nodded and he hesitantly removed his hand.

"What the hell are you doing in this barn?" she hissed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He ran his fingers through his mop of brown hair. "I just needed a place to stay for the night, I promise."

Stephanie narrowed her eyes at him. "What's your name?" she asked.

"Skulduggery." He smiled wryly. "Yours?"

"You don't need to know."

He flashed her a grin. "Oh but I do, if we are to become friends, I must know your name. Tell me, is it something embarrassing? It's something embarrassing, isn't it? I bet it is."

Stephanie looked at him weirdly. "You talk a lot."

"Of course I do," he said. "Hmm... Is it... Mildred? That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?"

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "So tell me, _Skulduggery," _she sat on a bale of hay, "what are you even doing in Haggard?"

"Just passing through," he said nonchalantly.

Stephanie looked hard at him.

"I know I'm beautiful, little Miss No-name, even in these clothes," he looked down at them distastefully, "but you can stop staring in awe at my beautiful, _beautiful_ face any time now."

Stephanie didn't stop.

"Wow. Don't feel bad for yourself, but you're just one of the many _many_ people who have fallen for my charms. I mean, look at this face, look at this charming grin." He pointed at said charming grin.

Stephanie scoffed. "Don't flatter yourself."

He winked. "How can I not when there is so much to falter? Don't worry," he whispered conspiratorially, "even grown men have been known to fall for _moi."_

"_Right._ Quite the ego, haven't we Mr..." She looked at him pointedly, a question in her eyes.

"Pleasant," he said cheerfully, "Mr Pleasant."

"-Haven't we, Mr Pleasant?"

The man-who-called-himself-Skulduggery shrugged. "What can I say? It's a part of me."

"What's in the bag?" Stephanie asked suddenly.

"What bag?"

"That bag." She pointed behind him.

"Ah, that bag."

"So what's in it?"

He grinned, and his green eyes twinkled. "Nothing you'd want to see."

"Oh?" She held out her hand. "Pass it over."

"But- but-" he spluttered.

"Pass it over."

"But- but- but-"

"But what? Pass it over."

"But it's my underpants!" he burst out, slightly red in the face.

Stephanie narrowed her eyes. Oh, he was _good._

"Still, pass it over."

The man called Skulduggery looked at her incredulously. "You want to see my _underpants?" _he asked, bewildered.

"Yes," was all she said.

"Darling," he ran his hands through his hair, "we've known each other for what? –five minutes, and you want to see my underpants already?"

"Yes," she said patiently.

He hid the bag behind his back. "No." He sounded stout.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes."

Stephanie raised an eyebrow. "Okay then, give it here."

"No," he said.

"Why?"

"Because they're my _underpants, _that's why! A man needs to protect his dignity!"

The cogs were turning slowly in Stephanie's head. Something clicked and suddenly it all made sense. Her mouth formed a soft 'O'.

"You're that jewel thief, aren't you?" she said. "You stole Mrs Mill's diamonds' from her mantle piece."

Skulduggery visibly flinched.

"You did and you are. That's why you won't show me what's in the bag."

Skulduggery looked like he was weighing his options.

"I won't tell."

His head snapped up. "Why wouldn't you?" he spluttered.

Stephanie looked at him. "I won't tell on one condition."

"I'm listening."

She took a deep, unnecessary breath. "I won't tell if you take me with you. I want to go with you to wherever you were going to go before I tripped over your sleeping body." She looked at him beseechingly. "That is my condition."

"No, absolutely not." He shook his head. "You have a life, you have parents, you have a home here, not with me as a thief. I can't take you away from that."

She looked him in the eye. "My parents are dead, and I have thought this through. I have nothing to live for here. I want to escape, maybe start a new life."

"As a thief?"

"Whatever it takes. I can work my way up- by hook or by crook."

"You don't know me, you don't know what I'm capable of, I could take you with me to kill you in your sleep!"

Stephanie shrugged. "Then it'd be my fault for following you even though I don't know you at all."

Skulduggery sighed. "You're clearly very passionate about leaving this place." His green eyes bored into her. "Are you sure this is what you want? To leave?" he asked softly.

She nodded. "Yes." This was what she wanted, all she had ever wanted since she was nine.

"Okay then." His eyes softened. "We'll leave tonight, nine o'clock sharp, don't be late."

Stephanie allowed herself a small smile. "How do I know I can trust you?"

"I am a man of my word."

"You are a thief," she pointed out.

"Can I not be both?"

She grudgingly nodded.

"If I'm not here, you can ring the church bell on me, report the thief in the barn, set off a manhunt, I can't have gotten far."

Stephanie thought about it. It seemed good, she decided, almost too good.

She stuck out her hand. "Deal."

* * *

**Well, Skulduggery's human... That feels odd to say.**

**He's a little out of character, but he's human! Leave me alone!**


	3. Gallivanting Off

**I think I've said this before, but thank you, you lovely lovely reviewers! :D**

**YoungBlood364: Aw shucks, thank you!**

**lumpyspace5566: Skully as a human still seems weird to me, but I'm glad you like!**

**Insanity: What is this 'The Gift' you keep talking about? I must go and find it then read it! Good luck with whatever you're revising for!**

**DeadGirl19: Thank you very much! I really tried to make him an egotistical, but sweet-ish bastard.**

**LionsandTrolls: snakespere XD I agree, he does seem to be the womanising type, I have to go off and think about how to incorporate that in now. No I haven't watched Supernatural, though I keep meaning to. Is it as good as people say?**

**Squishy: THANK YOU! I was just talking to my friend about being hooked on fanfiction, I don't think she was impressed. Anyway, hope this pleases.**

* * *

Stephanie let herself out of the back-door, closing it softly behind her.

The household inhabitants were asleep, had been for over an hour.

She turned back to look at the house that she had never got round to calling home, but had lived in for the past seven years of her life. It no longer looked as big as it once did, or as intimidating.

She placed her hand on the wall.

"Goodbye now," she said. "You might miss me, but I sure won't miss you."

Stephanie gave a fleeting smile then walked to the barn. She didn't look back.

* * *

Skulduggery was waiting for her when she got there.

She gave him a hesitant smile.

"All packed, I see." He indicated to her satchel.

"Just food."

"Are you going to go like that?" he asked, eyebrow raised.

"Why? Was I meant to go as someone else?"

"No," he said, reaching behind him, "but it might be safer for you if you went as a boy." He tossed her a burlap sack.

Stephanie fumbled with the string.

Inside the bag was a set of clothes, not unlike Skulduggery's: a pair of tweed pants, a vest, a dress shirt, a waistcoat and a newsboy cap.

"Here." Skulduggery tossed her something else which she caught.

It was a roll of bandages.

"What do I need bandages f- Oh..." Stephanie's cheeks coloured a little. "Okay."

On side of Skulduggery's mouth lifted. "I'll just leave you to it then." He got up and went to sit by the entrance of the barn, looking out.

What a gentleman.

Stephanie smiled. She had never thought that she would ever need to dress as a boy, but she might as well enjoy it.

First, the bandages; she wrapped them around her chest tight, wincing a little at the pain. Next came the vest, then the dress shirt over that. The tweed pants were next, and then the waistcoat.

She walked over to Skulduggery, tucking her hair under the newsboy cap as she went. "I'm ready."

Skulduggery looked at her with that damned twinkle in his eyes. "You make quite a handsome lad, if I do say so myself."

"I didn't know you swung that way, Skulduggery."

He just looked at her.

"Do you think I make a convincing boy?" she asked.

"You could do." He smirked. "Just lower your voice a little."

Stephanie nodded.

Skulduggery tilted his head at her. "Ready?"

"Ready."

* * *

**It seems just like her to just go gallivanting off with a total(ly charming) stranger if he makes her laugh.**


	4. The Journey

**This is going to be the last update in a while, people; I'm going to turn off my internet and stop procrastinating from revising... *insert scowling face here*. Damn examinations. I hope you enjoy this!**

**LionsandTrolls: I'll get right on watching it... right after I feel like I'm not drowning in science and maths... Oh, and thank you!**

**China Sorrows 400: Thank you very much. Here's the next update!**

* * *

The road to Dublin was a long one.

The moon had passed behind the clouds, and Stephanie could scarcely see where she was putting her feet, though Skulduggery seemed to have no trouble.

They had left Haggard little over two hours ago, and though she would never freely admit it to Skulduggery, she was beginning to tire.

Her feet ached and the muscles in her legs were complaining. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself and pushed forward.

"Hey, Skulduggery," she called to the figure walking perhaps ten paces in front of her.

Skulduggery turned. In the darkness, his mouth could have been doing anything from smiling to sneering at her slow pace. "What is it, my dear Miss No-name?"

A smile then.

Stephanie hurried to catch up.

"I was just wondering-"

"Wondering? Wondering is a marvellous-"

"Yes, yes I was just _wondering _did your parents hate you?"

Skulduggery was silent for a moment. "No. I mean, who on Earth could hate _moi? _I'm freaking gorgeous."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "There goes your ego again, Mr Pleasant. I hardly know you at all, and yet I've come to the conclusion that your ego is so large that it has moons of its own orbiting it."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"It's not a good thing."

"Ah, oh well." She thought she saw Skulduggery shrug.

"So why did your parents name you Skulduggery? I mean, that's a really odd thing to want to name your child."

"They didn't."

"They didn't?"

"No, they didn't. They gave me a normal name; I'm the one who chose Skulduggery."

"Oh." She paused. "Why not just go by your given name?"

Skulduggery sighed. "Because... Because I started a new life, left the old one. I chose a new name, left the old one in the dust. It's kind of..."

"Dead to you now?"

"Yes, that. It's kind of dead to me now," Skulduggery said.

They walked in silence for a little while.

"So if you were to take me to wherever you're going-"

"You mean if you were to demand to be taken to wherever I was going," he interrupted, sounding amused.

"Yes, yes." Stephanie waved her hands airily. "If you were to take me to wherever you're going, would I have to choose a new name too?"

In the darkness, she thought Skulduggery looked at her.

"If you want so desperately to become a thief," he started softly, "I think it would be wise. Your new name should represent you, and I suppose getting it right would be classed as important."

"You suppose?"

"I do suppose. It will become your new identity, hiding your old one."

"So... I would become a new person?"

"What? No. It's just the name you choose to represent you, whether you want to change as a person completely is your choice."

"Why even choose a name," she asked.

"Because... It's protection of sorts, it protects your given name. If people knew your given name, they could find out your history, and they could do all sorts with that knowledge- it's best not to give them that advantage."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed," Skulduggery said. "You know, I once knew a man, called himself a thief, but between you and me, he was _terrible. _He was short and fat, couldn't fit through a single window to save his life. Do you know what he called himself? He called himself Razor, _Razor _I tell you. It didn't suit him at all."

"Wow. That really fills me with confidence about taking my own name."

She thought she saw Skulduggery shrug again. "You'll get there eventually, but for now do you intend to go by the name Miss No-name?"

Stephanie smiled. "I could, but I won't."

"Oh?"

"My name is Stephanie."

She thought she saw him nodding. "Stephanie- nice name that. Stephanie, _Stephanie. _It's the female version of Stephen, meaning crown."

Stephanie made a noncommittal noise.

"You know, I'm actually okay with you coming with me."

"Really?"

"Yes. I like having someone follow me around like a little puppy, it makes me feel good about myself."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "You are such a moron."

"Don't be jealous of my genius."

"Can you get over yourself for just a moment?"

"If only that were possible."

"For a guy with holes in his shoes, you've got quite the ego."

"And for a girl dressed as a working-class boy, you're quite the critic."

"I'm still beautiful."

"That you are, my dear."

Stephanie had to laugh. "So you're definitely taking me with you?"

Skulduggery mock-sighed. "Whatever have I signed myself up for?" he asked the heavens.

"A load of trials and tribulations, and by the end of it, you'll come out a better man."

Skulduggery snorted. "Likely, very likely."


	5. Ghastly

**So here I am, the day before the first exam, feeling like I need to update. See my generosity?! Anyway, after this I'm probably going to try and devour my textbook or something.**

**Heslen: Here's your update. I got the next one pretty much written out, but I think I'm going to keep you people waiting because mwahahaha.**

**DeadGirl19: Thank you, thank you, and thank you again! Real thing tomorrow.. *crosses fingers, toes, arms, legs* Hope you like! ('Twas on my computer for ages)**

**China Sorrows 400: I agree, it wouldn't be the same if she didn't choose Valkyrie. Rest assured, Steph's going to choose Valkyrie.. Probably (Haven't got the proper plot yet)**

**Libertied Insanity: Cheers! Still need the read the mysterious "The Gift"- I will! Maybe..**

* * *

Dublin City was cold and the sky was dark when Stephanie passed the city's borders. The streets were far from being called empty.

Skulduggery slunk into the alleyways, keeping close to the walls. Stephanie followed.

The journey from Haggard had taken them two days of mostly non-stop walking, and God did Stephanie's legs hurt. She couldn't understand how Skulduggery kept going, wasn't he tired? Did he even get tired? If he did then he definitely wasn't showing it.

"Where are you taking me?" she asked.

"Places," he called over his shoulder.

"Where are these places?"

"In other bigger places." His hands made elaborate gestures.

"Skulduggery." She hoped her tone conveyed her annoyance.

Skulduggery glanced back at her with an odd tilt of his head. "We're going to meet my friend Ghastly. He's a tailor."

"Ghastly? Why did he name himself Ghastly?"

"Well..." He paused. "He's ugly, and by ugly, I mean ugly."

"Oh."

"Try not to stare too much. He got knifed as a child."

"Okay." She nodded.

They reached the end of another alleyway and Skulduggery flattened himself against the wall. He stuck his head around the corner then took it back in again. "Let's go." He grabbed her hand and dragged her through a series of cobbled streets until they reached a certain door.

The door wasn't very special; it was an ordinary door set into an ordinary wall on an ordinary street.

"I thought you said he was a tailor."

"He is. This is Bespoke Tailor's."

"But there's no sign. There aren't any clothes in the window. How would anyone know it's even open?"

"Ghastly doesn't need to advertise, he's the best there is." Skulduggery twisted the knob and opened the door. A bell rang somewhere in the shop.

Stephanie looked around. It was nice in there, it had a nice smell. Comforting.

Ghastly Bespoke walked out of the backroom and when he saw them, he smiled. He shook Skulduggery's hand warmly. He was broad-shouldered and his scars covered his whole head. When Skulduggery turned to introduce Stephanie, and he saw the way she was staring at Ghastly, he shrugged.

"Don't mind her," he said. "She stares. That's what she does when she meets new people."

"I'm quite used to it," Ghastly said, still smiling. "Do you want to shake hands, Miss, or start off with something easy, like waving?"

Stephanie felt herself blush and stuck out her hand quickly. His hand was normal, no scars, but tough and strong.

"Now why are you here, little Miss?"

Stephanie opened her mouth to answer, but Skulduggery beat her to it. "She followed me all the way from Haggard."

Ghastly's mouth quirked up at the corners. "Did she now? Sounds just like you, Skul. Just let me lock up," he said, "then we can talk properly in the kitchen."

They waited for him to do so, ambling into the afore mentioned kitchen. The kitchen was ordinary, with jars of sweet-meats and the like lining the counter. It was warm. There was a very homey, rustic feel to it. Stephanie instinctively felt safe.

"It looks like you eat well here," she said, staring at the various jars of food a little longer than necessary. How long was it since she had eaten a decent meal? Ah, oh yes, two days. That was two days too long. She was _starving._

"We do." She could see Skulduggery staring at the food as well. At least she wasn't the only one.

He shook his head as if clearing it, and pulled out a chair for her. "Seat?"

Stephanie smiled gratefully as Skulduggery took a seat next to her.

Ghastly walked through the door. He smiled at them. "So Haggard, you say? You must be starving. Would you like any food?"

"No th-" Stephanie began, but Skulduggery jumped in.

"I'm ravenous. I could eat a horse. Literally."

Ghastly hid a smirk. "Bacon it is then."

Bacon? Stephanie hadn't had bacon in a long time, but she still remember its heavenly taste, the way it sat in her stomach, making her feel full. She swallowed some spittle.

Her stomach rumbled. Loudly.

"Uh..." She was red in the face, and she could literally feel the smirk radiating off Skulduggery and his massive, massive ego. She kicked him.

He winced.

Ghastly smiled at her. "So tell me how you got round to following my egotistical friend over there," he said whilst reaching for the frying pan. He found the bacon in the larder.

"Well..." Stephanie began, looking sidelong at the smirking man seated next to her. She told Ghastly about how she had stumbled over Skulduggery and how, from the moment he opened his mouth, he had been an egotistical sod.

Ghastly nodded there.

She told him how she had worked out that Skulduggery was a thief, and how she had made him take her along, and how she dressed up as a boy. She could tell he was impressed.

"Well," Ghastly said over his shoulder, "you didn't put up much of a fight, did you, Skul?"

Skulduggery shrugged. "Stubborn girl. What was I meant to do? Hit her with a frying pan?"

Ghastly chuckled. The smell of salty bacon wafted through the air.

Stephanie breathed in deeply through her nose.

"So you plan to stay and become a thief then?" Ghastly asked as he scooped out two pieces of bacon for each of them onto a plate.

"I suppose..."

"Have you thought this through?" he asked. " Theft is a crime; you'll be putting your life and freedom at risk." The bacon was served with baked beans and sausages.

"I have thought this through," Stephanie said quietly.

"Are you sure?"

"My parents are dead and my uncle was gone long before. There's no life for me back in Haggard apart from maybe to become a maid, marry someone of my station, and become a housewife. I don't want that. I want a life full of adventure. I want to feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I want to _live_ a little."

"There's no freedom behind bars," Ghastly said, but his eyes softened a little. "But I understand what you're saying. Everybody wants to live a little."

"Thank you," Stephanie said softly.

The rest of the meal was eaten in a comfortable silence. The dishes were piled in the sink.

"You have nowhere to stay, am I correct?"

"Yes."

"That settles it then," Ghastly said. "You can stay in the spare attic room. Skulduggery has the other one."

Skulduggery grinned at her.

"Thank you, Mr Bespoke."

"Ghastly, please."

Stephanie smiled. "Thank you, Ghastly."

"My pleasure."

Skulduggery looked at her. "This way to my lady's sleeping quarters."

* * *

That night in the attic, lying on a stranger's spare mattress, Stephanie slept well. It was the best sleep she has had, she supposed, in seven long years, ever since her parents died and she got put into that despicable orphanage.

Yes, it was a good sleep, a good, good sleep accompanied by pleasant dreams.


	6. An Exchange

**It's the holiday! It's the holiday! Or very nearly! There's- what? Four days until it's OFFICIALLY the holidays! I am extremely happy about this, unless you couldn't tell =D =D No need to stress about exams for a week! =D Just a warning, though: updates will not be frequent... Sorry!**

**LiveWithLyrics: Aw, thanks! Well, this chapter aims to please.**

**Libertied Insanity: "Fluffy-not fluff"! ;) The word banter is amazing! Wait.. I'm confused.. Ghastly didn't warn her about what? Yes! Stephi is with Skulduggery now! Cuteness will ensue later! (That's a promise, there.)**

**Heslen: That's what all my friends say (that I'm a funny one)! Hmm.. Moral.. I don't think they'll be strictly Robin-Hood moral, but they will have their limits, such as not stealing from the poor. Exams.. I stressed and it wasn't pretty... I think I'll leave it there...**

**Lionsandtrolls: XD Pleasant dreams? You managed to get _that _from "pleasant dreams"? XD Pleasant dreams about who- Ghastly? Bit dodgy, isn't it?... Yes we are both suffering! *awkwardly pats you on the back then sobs* It pains us! Yes it does! I'm malting! That's usually a result of stressing, right? If so, I was/am stressing! Of course I'm bringing Valduggery in later on! (Much later on) and the stuff I bring in may or may not be pukey... I will try not to make it pukey! For your sake as well as mine.**

**Squishy: Compliments! For me! I am brilliant, aren't I? *strikes a pose* I'm joking, I'm joking! I literally write this story with an open Skulduggery book in front of me so I can make it similar, but I've got a feeling it will break off at some point. Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

**Guest: Thanks for the review! Of course I'm going to continue!**

**Iris Vhia: I love your enthusiasm! =D Another amazing chapter, coming right up! *writes furiously***

**Green Shado: I am so glad it pleases! *grins cheesily* I love writing banter. Skully is human! Yes! Soul mates! Brown hair and green eyes all the way! *starts victory dance (for the 1st...2nd.. third time?), then looks at you "You going to join in again?"* (Warning: my adept power is at work.) Of course I'm going to continue this, I've already written out the next few chapters!... I get the distinct feeling I'm being mean.. Oh well *shrugs* authors are evil sometimes.. Like when you... *cough* beat up *cough* Larrikin *cough* more than Shudder *cough* just to be mean to me! *wails***

**Without further ado, here's the next chapter. **

**(I may have stolen a paragraph or three or four from Mr Landy... Disclaimer: Derek Landy owns the Skulduggery Pleasant series.)**

* * *

When Skulduggery woke Stephanie in the morning, they had left early after a very filling breakfast, waving goodbye to Ghastly.

The streets of Dublin still felt strange to Stephanie; it felt odd to go from a remote orphanage in Haggard straight into the massive sprawling city of Dublin, though, admittedly, she had seen little of it.

Skulduggery, up ahead, was carrying the same bag that he had been for the past three days. Stephanie supposed he stored the diamonds in there.

She was dressed, again, as a boy, though in a new set of clothes. When she had woken, Ghastly had presented her with a new set of everything, and it had all fit perfectly. Her chest still hurt from the bandage binding, though.

Skulduggery looked at her over his shoulder. "Could you walk any slower?"

"I was just enjoying the scenery," Stephanie grumbled.

"The scenery of a dirty alleyway that smells like urine?" He sounded amused.

"Yes," she said indignantly.

Skulduggery tilted his head up as if rolling his eyes at the heavens.

"Do I need to ask where we're going?"

Skulduggery shrugged. "If you must."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Where are we going, Skulduggery?"

"We're going to meet a woman, an information-broker. And," he said as he looked at her, "however much you want to tell her your name, and however much she asks, don't give it to her."

"Why?"

"Because she is not to be trusted. She is cold and she is beautiful, and she is absolutely untrustworthy. Okay?"

Stephanie nodded. "Okay."

"Ah, look, here we are."

Stephanie looked up. They had arrived outside a crumbling old tenement building, its doors were off its hinges and its windows were cracked and dirty. She followed Skulduggery up the wooden steps into the foyer, and together they ascended the sagging staircase.

The first floor was quiet and smelled of damp. On the second floor, splintered shards of light escaped through the cracks between door and doorway into the otherwise dark corridor. They could hear the sound of shouting from behind one of the doors.

When they reached the third floor, Stephanie knew they had arrived. The third floor was clean, it didn't smell and it was well-lit. It was like an entirely different building. She followed Skulduggery to the middle of the corridor and noticed that none of the doors had names or numbers on them. She looked at the door Skulduggery knocked on, the door that had a plaque fastened to it: 'Library'.

The door was opened and a thin man with large round spectacles peered out. His nose was hooked and his wiry hair was receding. He wore a checked suit with a bowtie. He glanced at Stephanie then nodded to Skulduggery and opened the door wide for them to come through.

Stephanie realised why none of the doors were labelled- it was because they all led into the same room. The walls between apartments had been taken away in order to accommodate the vast number of books on the shelves. Stacks and stacks of books, a labyrinth of bookshelves that stretched from one side of the building to the other. They followed the bespeckled man through the maze and she saw more people, their attention focused on their reading, people half-hidden in the shadow.

In the middle of the library was an open space, like a clearing in a forest, and in this open space stood the most beautiful woman Stephanie had ever seen. Her hair was black as raven wings, and her eyes were the palest blue. Her features were so delicate Stephanie feared they might break if she smiled, and the lady smiled and Stephanie felt such warmth for a moment that she briefly wondered if this was love.

"Stop that," said Skulduggery.

The lady let her eyes move to him and her smile turned playful. Stephanie stared, enraptured.

She shook her head and slapped herself across the face.

The lady glanced back at her. "My apologies," she said, giving a small bow. "I do forget the effect I have on people. First impressions and all that."

"Seems like every time you meet someone new, you forget that little fact," Skulduggery said.

"I'm a scatterbrain, what can I say?"

Skulduggery turned to Stephanie. "Don't feel self-conscious, it's just the effect she has on people."

Stephanie smiled uncertainly.

"My name is China Sorrows, my dear," the lady said. "And you are...?"

Stephanie was about to tell China her name when Skulduggery turned to her sharply, green eyes flashing. She remembered what he had said and frowned.

"You don't need to know her name," Skulduggery said. "All you need to know is that she is with me, and we have something for you."

"Do elaborate."

Skulduggery held his bag up, and eyebrow raised.

"I see. Are those diamonds, my darling?"

Skulduggery nodded. "They are."

China flicked her hand. "Follow me," she said, turning and striding off towards the back of the library.

Stephanie looked at Skulduggery.

He grinned at her. "Come along, now."

They followed China into a small room that was very obviously an office. Two plush chairs sat in front of a large oak desk, and paperwork was stacked neatly on the surface of said desk.

China closed the door and Stephanie heard the click of the lock.

"Do take a seat," China said as she walked behind the desk and poised herself elegantly on the chair. "So down to business. Diamonds, you said?"

Skulduggery nodded. "Nearly got caught stealing it."

China smiled delicately. "But you didn't, dear. Congratulations."

She opened her drawer and pulled out a thin envelope, passing it to Skulduggery.

Skulduggery held the envelope in his hand and with the other he passed China the bag.

China's hand disappeared for a second into the satchel and came back out holding a beautifully cut diamond, the type that Stephanie had often admired, but had never had dreams of owning.

China smiled, placing it in her drawer.

"Pleasure doing business with you, Mr Pleasant." She shook his hand, nodding coolly at Stephanie. "Do drop by soon. Ta-ta."

She showed them to the door.

* * *

When they were out on the street, Stephanie spoke up at last. "So that was China Sorrows," she said.

"Yes that was," Skulduggery responded. "A woman not to be trusted."

"Beautiful name though."

"Like I said, names are regarded as important."

"So what is she going to do with that diamond?" Stephanie asked.

Skulduggery shrugged. "Probably sell it."

"What's in the envelope?"

Skulduggery turned to her and his lips pulled up into an easy grin. "This, my dear Stephanie," he held up the envelope, "is fifty shillings."

Stephanie made a face. "Only fifty shillings? But that diamond was beautiful!"

"Beautiful, but not flawless. I could see it, as could China."

Stephanie's brow furrowed.

"You'll get better at spotting these things as you gain experience. Don't worry about it."

"I'm not. Where are we going?"

Skulduggery smiled a little brighter. He proffered his arm to her.

Stephanie shook her head, but took it anyway.

"We, my dear Stephanie, are going to a place affectionately known as the 'Midnight Inn'."

* * *

***sighs blissfully* The Midnight Inn.. Guess who we're going to meet in the next chapter. No prizes!**


	7. The Midnight Inn

***Sheepishly* Sorry I haven't updated all week; I've been away. Anyway, it's here now.  
****I've got to say all you people going "Antonnnn!" really amused me, and I was shaking my head and saying "fangirls" when I realized that I loved Anton Freaking Shudder too! I love Anton Shudder!**

**DeadGirl19: Yes! Anton Frickin Shudder is coming up! Oh wait: DEAD MEN ALERT! DEAD MEN ALERT! And yes, Dexter Vex will be featuring in this chapter. I know how much you love Dexter *wink* Don't we all? I've planned half of it out, and so far I've got up to a mission where the Dead Men steal stuff and one nearly gets caught, after that I'm going to write fluffy-not-fluff plot development until I get to The Big Heist. I can't wait for that. **

**Iris Vhia: *awkward silence* I am flattered, I really am! But... *deep breath* Books will always be first and foremost in my heart! Thank you for the support! **

**Lionsandtrolls: Of course you're right. You cruel, cruel person, but yes, I read that part where you said you knew why authors like Landy made us all suffer, and I've got to admit everybody telling you they hate you and crap for something you find so funny must've been so satisfying! I'm not going to try that, though. **

**Squishy: Pull yourself together! It's only Anton... *pause to rethink* Did I just say that? Anton Shudder is absolutely AWESOME! I was reading that part where you were talking about Anton's gist, and I was thinking "OhCrapOhCrapOhCrapOhCrap! I haven't got a plan!" I completely forgot about his gist whilst writing the story, but I will think of something, I will! Oh Bejeezums, think, Brain, think!**

**Libertied Insanity: Yes, it is Anton! Wait- Your Anton? *squints suspiciously at you* No comment on that. I love how you typed it all in caps; I was reading it and trying not to grin at the pure fangirling it radiated.**

* * *

The Midnight Inn's bar was near empty when Skulduggery and Stephanie arrived.

The bartender, who Stephanie guessed was also the innkeeper, was serving drinks, but looked up and smiled as they walked in. He was tall and his hair was long and black, tied back in a ponytail. "Can I get you anything, Skulduggery?" His eyes seemed older than the rest of him; they held a quiet sort of acceptance, not angry or sad, and yet not happy either. Stephanie fancied she could see the strength of his soul just through his eyes - it was strong, solid.

Skulduggery shook his head with a rueful smile. "I'm trying to stay sober today, Anton."

Anton tilted his head the tiniest of fractions and a snort sounded to their left. "Skulduggery, sober! Hear that, Dexter? He's trying to stay sober!" The man who had spoken was young with dark hair and dark eyes; Stephanie noted that he was little on the healthy side.

"I heard it, Rue," said a muscular blond who was grinning recklessly at Skulduggery. "Skul's gone and abandoned us and our alcohol drinking ways!"

"Well," said another young man with brown hair and golden eyes, "he must be trying to impress _someone." _He squinted behind Skulduggery at Stephanie. "Who's the new boy, Skul?"

Skulduggery narrowed his eyes ever so slightly.

The-man-named-Dexter rested his chin on his fist, his eyes dragging up and down Stephanie's body. "I didn't know you swung that way, Skully," he drawled. "Is there something you aren't telling us?"

Skulduggery opened his mouth. "Yes, of course, Dexter. I'm secretly seeing Saracen behind you back in the early hours of the morning. I'm sorry, Vex, but he's just sexier than you." Skulduggery smirked.

Dexter pouted, whilst the-man-named-Saracen rubbed his back soothingly. "There, there, Dexter. I can't help my sexiness, I'm afraid. Skulduggery was just a very charming devil."

"How easily you dismiss our love! You offend me, Saracen!" exclaimed Skulduggery.

"You traitor," Dexter mumbled, nursing his drink.

Saracen grinned. "See that, Anton? There you were, saying I couldn't get any ladies with my being too healthy, but look here." He pointed at Dexter then Skulduggery. "I got me a lady, _two _ladies in fact."

Anton grunted.

"If I didn't know any better, Shudder, I'd say you were jealous."

Anton just rolled his eyes. "Jealous of whom?"

"Jealous of Dexter, of course! I mean he gets me all to himself, and who wouldn't want a piece of this sexiness?"

Anton said nothing and merely stared, bemused.

Saracen grinned wider and his eyes flitted to Stephanie. "You're a girl, aren't you? Tell me I'm wrong."

Stephanie's frowned a little, but said nothing.

"I thought there was something odd about her," the man with the golden eyes exclaimed. "She's much too pretty to be a boy."

"See that, Ravel?" Saracen said smugly. "I know things."

"H- how?" Stephanie stuttered.

Saracen shrugged. "I just know things."

Stephanie frowned and opened her mouth-

"Don't bother," Dexter mumbled. "I've been trying to get it out of him for years, but he just won't tell me how he bloomin' knows things!"

Saracen tapped his nose. "Now where's the fun in that?"

"Up your arse," Dexter muttered into his drink.

The man-named-Ravel looked at Stephanie. "Do you have a name, Miss?"

Stephanie shook her head. "Not yet."

He gave her a dazzling smile. "Well, mine's Erskine. Care to sit and tell us your story?"

She looked over at Skulduggery who shrugged. "We're all thieves here." He paused. "Apart from possibly Anton; he's much too boring to contemplate coming with us."

Anton grunted. "Dealing with a reckless bunch of five year olds does not appeal to me. If you get caught, who's there to bail you out?"

Skulduggery shrugged. "I'm much too amazing to be caught; I'm not sure about those idiots over there, though." He jerked his head at Dexter and Saracen, who seemed in the midst of a childish debate about who was sexier.

Anton snorted.

Stephanie sat on the stool next to Erskine and smiled.

"Well, little lady, what have you got to tell us? A story perhaps? We love stories." His golden eyes lit up. "Go on, tell us a story."

Stephanie smiled hesitantly. "Well, I do have one story."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Dexter and Saracen stop their argument to look at her, Skulduggery was resting on the counter, head tilted at a listening angle, and even Anton was subtly leaning in. She repressed a smile.

Stephanie started slowly, and just let the words pour out of her mouth, seemingly already perfectly sculpted. She told a story of a little girl who enjoyed her childhood, carefree, often amusing herself with beliefs of magic. She told of the games the little girl would play with herself, clicking her fingers and pretending to summon a spark, which grew into a fireball in her hand, and how she would pretend the wind answered to her, how it was at her very beck and call. She told of how the girl would pretend that the earth would latch onto her feet, spreading up her legs, turning her to stone, and how she imagined she could walk atop water. The magic, the magic was everywhere, and the little girl would spin and jump and run, thinking she could take on the world - her magic and her.

The story abruptly twisted. Stephanie told them of how all this magic, all these crazy imaginings, this whole world, was shut up, put into a box and burned the day the little girl's parents died and she was put into the orphanage.

She told them of how the little girl grew up under the harsh words and beatings of the matron, and how she dreamed of riding away in the night-time on a honey-coloured horse called Alice. Magic seemed to her like a distant fantasy full of crazy imaginings of a past life, a happier life- and it was, wasn't it?

She told them of how, one night, her dream of escaping came true, though not on a horse - on foot. The grown girl ran away with a charming thief to start a new life in a new city; nothing was heard by her home-folk from her ever again.

This was where she ended the story.

Erskine was staring at her. "Whatever happened to the girl?" he asked softly.

"Nobody knows," said Stephanie in a quiet voice.

Skulduggery looked at her with a peculiar sadness in his eyes. She wondered if she could see pity.

Anton smiled kindly at her, passing her a drink.

She wanted to say she didn't drink, she was too young.

"It's apple juice," said Anton gruffly.

Stephanie nodded mutely, taking a sip.

"Right," Saracen said, changing the subject before the girl cried – he knew she would, and Saracen Rue knew things, "what are our plans to steal Nathaniel Serpine's paintings next week, then?"

* * *

**There you have it. There's going to be a theft... With the Dead Men! *sighs contently* This will be fun.**


	8. May the Devil Eat Your Cat

**I quite enjoyed writing this chapter, but I haven't proof read it.**

**Lionsandtrolls: I was laughing at that. Yes, they will steal from that "beastard"! And I love him too, especially alternate dimension Serpine. And, yes! As you put it, "Skul looks damn fine". XD *hands up* No need to squinty eyes me! I don't have the balls to do that.**

**LiveWithLyrics: You spotted it! Well.. I suppose I did make it very obvious... I couldn't resist! "How easily you dismiss our love!" They steal painting here! Or try to... I'm spoiling it! Go and read.**

**Libertied Insanity: What? You've been trying to...? I'm confused...**

**Heslen: 'Tis cool! And here is the next update!**

* * *

Nathaniel Serpine, as it turned out, owned a massive mansion on the edge of Dublin. He was descended from a long line of aristocrats, and had a fortune at his fingertips. He had spent a significant portion on expensive paintings, antiques. That was what the 'Dead Men', as they called themselves, plus Stephanie were here to steal tonight.

Stephanie was dressed in boy's clothes again; she was now used to the pain in her chest. She looked over at the Dead Men minus Ghastly and Anton, as they were too "boring", as Dexter had put it, to come along. The men didn't look as grim as she was expecting for possible capture and jailing, in fact, they were still joking amiably with each other. They must've been doing all sorts before she came along.

"I still maintain that the lady's bustle should come back into fashion," Erskine said. "It's a lovely thing."

"I disagree." It was Skulduggery.

"Well, of course _you _would disagree! You have no appreciation for women's behinds! There's something wrong with you."

"I agree with Erskine there, Skulduggery," Saracen said. "You're just odd like that."

Skulduggery grunted. "It doesn't make me odd. It just makes you two perverts."

Dexter hummed his agreement. "They are perverts." The 'perverts' looked at him and he held his hands up in defence. "And I mean that in the best possible way there is."

"Shut up, Vex," Saracen muttered. "Like you two aren't."

Stephanie rolled her eyes.

They had their backs pressed against the wall, and Skulduggery was in the process of fitting a crowbar through the gap between window and window-frame. He applied a little pressure and the window popped open. He stepped back. "Ladies first."

Stephanie scrambled through the window and landed on the other side with barely a 'thump'. Skulduggery was next, then Erskine, Saracen and Dexter last.

"Okay," Skulduggery whispered, "all the expensive paintings are either in the main hallway or on the first floor. Take only the ones that will fit through this window, and get out as fast as you can. We'll all meet at the lake in the park. I've got the bag."

Everyone nodded.

"Dex, Saracen, Erskine, you're together. Stephanie, you're with me. Let's go."

Stephanie followed Skulduggery up the stairs to the first floor, whilst Saracen, Dexter and Erskine took the main hallway. The stairs didn't creak as much as Stephanie had anticipated; the carpet on the first floor was thick and soft, and Stephanie's boots sank down into it. She looked around. The hallway was wide with a thick red carpet. At intervals, there were podiums made of stone and upon the podiums sat perfectly sculpted sculptures of predominantly men with long noses, some with sculpted helmets, and some with sculpted beards. They all looked rather unfriendly.

"That's meant to be a replica of Marcus Antonius," Skulduggery remarked. "He was said to have an affair with Cleopatra of Egypt and to have stabbed himself with a sword when the Roman Empire was after him."

"Charming."

"And I believe that's Plato over there. Interesting noses, wouldn't you agree?"

"I suppose."

"Our Nathaniel Serpine has a real interest in the Romans and Greeks, I see."

"But we're here for the paintings."

"That we are." Skulduggery pointed ahead at a painting with small enough frame to fit through the window. Stephanie couldn't see what was so special about this particular painting apart from its small size, and even that wasn't very special; it depicted a rosily plump young woman lounging nude on a bed holding a cup of wine in one hand, and a bunch of grapes in the other. Other young women reclined on the bed next to her, also with rosy cheeks, and also nude. It showed skill, she admitted to herself, but still, she made a face.

"Why that one?"

"Because it's expensive," Skulduggery replied. He grabbed one side of the frame, and Stephanie the other; they lifted the painting off its mounting.

"You sure the only reason you chose this one is because it's expensive?" she mumbled under her breath.

Skulduggery ignored her. "Okay. Good. The maximum we can carry is two paintings each as a limit to the weight, so pick another pretty one and make sure you can carry it. I'm going to get two more."

Stephanie wrinkled her nose. "You think that it's pretty?" It was a rhetorical question.

Skulduggery didn't answer.

She rolled her eyes and turned to wander down the hall, looking at what she viewed as just paintings. She eventually settled on one depicting vibrant sunflowers in a jar. It looked pretty enough to her. The brush strokes were big and expressive, and for some odd reason, it made her think of what a home really _should _feel like. She frowned.

What were these thoughts of home in her head just from looking at this painting? Lord, she didn't even know what a home _felt _like.

She frowned at the painting some more. Her hand stretched out as if to touch the painting, but she paused. She shook her head and made a slow stroking motion on the canvas, noting how the dried paint felt against her fingertips- all rough and textured. It felt good.

Suddenly, something cold and solid was pressed into her temple. She heard something else click.

"Take your filthy hands off that masterpiece, you street rat. What the hell do you think you're playing at?" a voice boomed.

Oh for the love of-

_'Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!' _she cursed in her head.

This could not be good.

* * *

**I really wanted to put that curse in there... _'Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!' _**


	9. A Pair of Boots and a Brocade Coat

**Well... This was written for ages... I wasn't going to post it today, but here I am!**

**Libertied Insanity: It's okay! Thank you! Yes, I know right? Serpine deserves his paintings to get stolen, all of them, that son of a cow. Gordon's mansion?... Now that is an interesting take on it... But I don't think it will be (Gordon died some time ago in Haggard for some reason... Influenza!). That curse is amazing. Amazing. I can't use that anywhere, though -.- Serpine, you "batsard"! **

**Sebastian Castellen: Of course I'm going to continue! Most likely...! Aw, thank you! I love writing Skulduggery, he's such a snarky one - gives it so much lip.**

**Squishy: Van Gogh? Ah! I knew I was getting the idea of that painting from somewhere! They're going to steal... *dramatic music* Van Gogh's painting. Ahhh. Don't you just love Valkyrie and Skulduggery's friendship? It's amazing, though I'm probably going to change that soon.. Sometime..  
****Squishy, that is not how you make friends! But go ahead, I bet it'll be funny to see people's dumbfounded faces going "what the heck?!".**

**Heslen: ... You're logged on. Oh, and thank you! And you better update soon! I need to know how they escape, Valkyrie dashingly in pyjamas, and Skulduggery in a suit. That's the problem with fanfiction -.- Once I read something I like, I'm hooked and constantly looking for updates. I will not leave well alone!**

**Lionsandtrolls (I believe from the plea for Valduggery action): Don't worry, don't worry! Your womanising Skulduggery will come soon! Well.. Ish ish, I don't know how to write Skully as a womaniser.. I'll just write him really flirtatious (to Stephanie/Valkyrie obviously). There will be Valduggery action, but not like the *cough* Lord Vile *cough* and Valkyrie one *cough* Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha XDXDXDXDXD STILL smirking (I did tell you it was good, didn't I? 'Twas good!). Buuut... Knowing me and my reluctance to write romance... It will probably come very late in the story (what?! Don't give me that face! They've only known each other for a week and a bit! Murmurs: "yet Clace kicks of in one night with one look at some club" what? *looks around* Ignore me). But there will be eventual Valduggery! (Like all things in life.)**

* * *

"Turn around slowly," the voice ordered. "That's ri- I said slowly! Good. Get on your knees, hands on your head."

Stephanie complied, seeing no other out. She didn't want her brains blown into oblivion, probably strewn across that expressive painting of sunflowers in a jar. What a painting that would be, she mused, covered in blood and all.

"That's good. Don't get up."A pair of boots appeared in her line of sight. They weren't stout, nor were they sturdy, not like Skulduggery's. They had smart-looking laces and the pieces of leather used to make the boots were stitched together beautifully. They were polished to such a degree that Stephanie could see her own face reflected back at her; she looked pale and drawn. Those boots were clearly bought for the aesthetic appeal and nothing else; they were pieces of art in their own right.

Stephanie lifted her trembling gaze off the beautifully constructed boots, up a pair of trousers, and along a torso wearing a heavy grey brocade coat of times gone by – probably Victorian, Stephanie thought, her knowledge of history being pitifully small. The coat was expensive, that much she knew; the gold buttons winked at her from their places on the fabric.

No matter, she pushed it from her mind, concentrating, instead, on the twisted face snarling horribly down at her. The face had green eyes and black hair; its lips were twisted in a sneer.

So_ this_ was Nathaniel Serpine. He could've been pretty, but for the sneer.

In his hand, Serpine held a gun with the barrel pressed against her forehead. It felt like a hole was behind burnt in her head where the metal touched her skin. "Make one wrong move, and this will end badly for you. Trust me." He talked almost amiably, but not quite, his tone bellying his facial expression as if there wasn't a gun in his hand and he hadn't just threatened to shoot her.

Stephanie kept stock-still, not daring to test this man's trigger-finger.

"Good. I see that we understand each other," Serpine said. "Now tell me why you're in my house, attempting to steal my paintings, my wonderful masterpieces." His mouth held traces of a smirk. Maybe he thought this was a game, a game where he already knew the outcome.

Stephanie kept silent.

The barrel of the gun pressed harder against her head. "What is your name, boy? Tell me your name."

He thought she was a boy. Good. Stephanie opened her mouth and stuttered a little.

"Sorry? I didn't quite catch that."

She didn't try and say anything this time.

"I see," said Serpine. "All you are good at is raising Cain. I should shoot you right here."

"N-no." Stephanie gulped.

Serpine narrowed his eyes. "So now you talk. Give me one good reason."

Stephanie tried to talk around the dryness in her throat. "B- Because I don't want to die today." No, not today, not like this - she never thought it'd end like this. She could feel hot tears burning the backs of her eyelids, but she refused to let them fall. Be brave.

The gun was still pressed against her forehead. "Not good enough, boy."

She saw his finger tighten on the trigger. 'Don't cry,' she thought. 'That's right, don't cry. Push back the tears. Show a stony heart.' It was better to go with her dignity intact and whole than to break down crying at his feet. She had to be brave. Be brave. She looked into the face of Nathaniel Serpine then closed her eyes, waiting for the shot that would end her life.

It never came. Instead she heard a yell - Serpine's yell.

Her eyes snapped open to see Serpine bent over, clutching his head, a grim looking Skulduggery behind him.

"Trasna ort féin!" Skulduggery swore. "Go and pick on someone your own size, you coward."

Stephanie snapped into action, her elbow coming up into Serpine's groin, and her hand chopping his wrist.

Serpine dropped the gun.

She backed against the wall, breathing heavily, as if she had just been running.

Skulduggery looked at her. "I'll take it from here." He stepped in front of Serpine, effectively blocking him off from rushing at Stephanie.

Serpine squinted at him then suddenly launched himself forward, fingernails raking down Skulduggery's cheek.

Skulduggery looked stunned for a moment, but then retaliated with a punch to the solar plexus.

Serpine doubled-over.

Skulduggery rammed an uppercut into his face then jabbed his throat. He grabbed the other man's head whilst he was gagging and brought it down viciously, slamming it onto his knee.

Serpine's green eyes rolled back into his head, and his head lolled to the side. He fell to the floor unconscious.

Skulduggery glanced at Stephanie. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She glared at Serpine's boots. Walking on shaky legs, she made her way toward the slumped form of the defeated opponent. She looked at him there by her feet, unconscious, then raised her right leg backwards and swung with as much force as she could muster. Her foot slammed into his nose. It crunched and spurted blood in the most satisfying of ways. "Jerk," she muttered, bending down to haul his expensive looking brocade coat off him. It hadn't suffered much damage. She draped it over her arm. This wasn't the most honourable way to deal with a fallen opponent, but God-be-danged if she cared.

Skulduggery was looking at her, his head tilted oddly to once side. His mouth was compressed in a way that could have meant anger or amusement. Stephanie guessed that she did care to know which it was.

"You done?" he asked.

"I'm done," she replied. "God, that was so satisfying."

"I'm sure it was." He turned away, but not before Stephanie could see the small amused smile playing about his lips.

She fought a small smile of her own.

"Let us go from this place," he said.

They grabbed the paintings and made their way downstairs, out of the window.

Once outside, Stephanie slipped into the coat purely because she didn't want to carry it, and they ran down the lane towards the park, the wind roaring in their ears and threatening to take both their hats.

Stephanie's heart still pounded against her chest insistently, but she ignored it, concentrating, instead, on running.

Dexter, Erskine and Saracen were already there when they reached the lake; they each held two paintings.

Skulduggery nodded at them. "Not too much trouble?"

"Not too much trouble," Erskine replied. "Yourselves?"

"Some trouble," responded Skulduggery. He inclined his head to her. "She was held at gunpoint on the floor. Serpine's unconscious, with a bloody nose, but - luckily for him - not dead."

Stephanie felt the weight of three pairs of eyes trained on her.

"Are you alright?" Dexter asked. There was something in his voice, something different; it could've been concern, but then Stephanie didn't know this man, didn't know how he did sound when he was concerned. It could've been his amused tone for all she knew, but then she supposed it wasn't – she doubted he was that blasé.

"Of course I am." She forced a smile, tucking a few strands of hair back under her cap. Her hands were shaking she noted.

"That's good." Saracen smiled kindly.

"So what are we going to do now?" she asked, obviously wanting to change the subject. She didn't want to seem weak in front of these men, no. She wanted these men to respect her, and she didn't think that openly crying in front of them about nearly being killed when they must've had it much worse before was likely to earn her that respect.

"Now we take all these paintings to one Ms. China Sorrows," Dexter said. "You've met her I believe. Beautiful woman. Cold as ice."

Stephanie wrinkled her nose. "So we're moving paintings for the rest of the evening? Fun."

"Au contraire," said Skulduggery. "There is much to do tonight, little miss," his eyes twinkled as he said this, "for tonight, tonight we go out and celebrate."

* * *

**There's to be a celebration :D **

**Lionsandtrolls! Oi! Mayhem! Can you guess how they're going to celebrate? **

**Warning: next chapter may contain slight (totally accidental, of course) implied Valduggery.**


	10. She Would

**I do admit this chapter could've been better, but *shrugs* it was speed-written. I think I did alright, considering.**

**Trollsey (Yes, you, LionsandTrolls): They will go out drinking, probably. I refuse to write a scene where Skulduggery is drunk and is talking about Stephanie to Dexter and how much she has impacted him... I lied, I'm considering it for some reason.. Am I going to let that go? Hmm... NEVERRRRRR! *shakes with laughter* If it makes you feel any better, I'm nearly done with all those stupid exam things, so I might write you Vilequesse erm.. smut? Later on. Just so you can laugh in my face, too. Ahhh... Brain! Why won't you cooperate and give me ideas for Vilequesse already?**

**Libertied Insanity: Thank you! :3 Huh? His face? Oh! His face! His face may or may not have some itchy red almost-parallel lines on them, and some skin may have ripped, but his beautiful face should be fine. Ahh... His imaginary face is so beautiful... I would never permanently harm it.. Like get Billy-Ray Sanguine to cut it with his razor or something... MehScrewIt! Don't you dare go there! His face should be fine... for now.**

**Squishy: Thank you! *beams proudly* I love fight scenes, though I have no idea what I write sometimes. And here is the next update.**

**Slight implied Valduggery.**

* * *

Skulduggery was waiting for her when she came down the stairs.

Stephanie had to admit she felt beautiful. She was wearing a form fitting black dress that trailed the floor, its sequin decoration elaborate and captivating; the bottom half looked as if it were made from petticoat material, but of course it wasn't. It was one of Ghastly's creations and she loved it; it was a masterpiece. She had thanked him profusely. Her chest was no longer constricted by bandages and she felt she could breathe freely now. She liked the feeling.

"Your late," Skulduggery said, though she couldn't see him.

"I'm beautiful," she replied.

"You're always beautiful."

Her lips curled upwards. "I'm always late, too." Only when she reached the bottom of the stairs did she turn to face Skulduggery. She stopped dead in her tracks and just stared.

He was wearing that God infuriating grin again, accompanied by that God-damned twinkle in his eyes.

She scowled.

"Sorry, darling. Did I forget to tell you that you would swoon at my finery?" He gestured to himself, knowing full well the effect he was having on her. He looked like he was really trying to contain his laughter.

_Cocky bastard._

"Shut up," muttered Stephanie. "You're not meant to be this handsome."

He was dressed in a plain three-button suit, a white collar dress shirt, a necktie and two-toned shoes. A felt hat with a purple ribbon across it finished off the look.

Skulduggery put his hand to his chest. "How you wound me! Just because I am a thief, I'm not allowed to dress fancy and look absolutely charming? That's just discrimination, that is."

Stephanie rolled her eyes, refusing to let Skulduggery's (not-quite-so-sudden) handsomeness get to her. "So where are we going?" she asked - well, more demanded.

"Places," Skulduggery stated.

"Where are these places?"

"In other bigger places." He made appropriate hand gestures.

"Skulduggery, I swear..."

"Hmm? You swear what?"

"I swear that I'll get the sharpest razor you've ever seen and shave off all that lovely hair on your head and I'll-"

"Hold on!" he said hastily. "Let's not go that far. I like my hair. We're going to the Theatre Royal."

"We are?"

"We are."

Stephanie looked blank. "And...?"

Skulduggery's grin stretched a little wider. "We're going to the opera."

She felt a smile of her own breaking out on her face. "I've always wanted to go to the opera."

"Wow. All your dreams are coming true, aren't they?"

"Wait!" she exclaimed. "Let me say goodbye to Ghastly!" She ran off in the direction of the back room. The heat radiating off Skulduggery's ego could even be felt from back there.

She spotted Ghastly immediately and threw her arms around him. "Thank you, so very much. For _everything." _

He hugged her tight enough that she thought he'd break a few ribs. "S'alright," he said. "Go and have fun tonight." He pushed her shoulders back and smiled at her, scars twisting around his cheeks. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks. I will," she replied, grinning at him. His smile wasn't exactly fatherly, it was more _knowing. _What was it that he knew that she didn't? Stephanie spared it a second's thought then pushed it out of her mind. She gave him her best smile and darted back out of the room.

Skulduggery was still standing where she had left him. His mouth still hadn't lost that damned smirk, and his eyes still hadn't lost that damned twinkle. He reached out and gently grasped her wrist in his fingers, planting a delicate kiss on the back of her hand. He looked up at her through his lashes. "Would the lady care to accompany me to the opera tonight?" he asked, his tone smoother than she had ever heard it before. Like pure un-crystallised honey, she thought.

"She would," Stephanie replied.

* * *

**Just to give you guys an idea, after Stephanie says yes, Skulduggery straightens up and smiles, his face like pure sin. Mused brown hair everywhere, and, just for dramatic effect, the light from the backroom catches his face. His green eyes glint mischievously. **

**Don't you just love clichés? **


	11. The Theatre Royal

***Clears throat* And a one, a two, a one, two three-**

**Happy birthday to me,  
Happy birthday to me,  
Happy birthday, happy birthday,  
Happy birthday to me.**

**Welll... Today was fun, and I still don't feel any more mature. All in all, brilliant! And I was thinking about you guys! (I wrote this all out; it took bloomin' ages. Erskine and his demented bird-arms.)**

**Lionsandtrolls: *coughs awkwardly* You will?... I kind of like my throat.. It helps me breathe and stuff... But ahahaha XD That would be a nice plot twist, but I don't think I'm that evil, so no, Skulduggery will not confess his deep unending love for Ghastly.. Maybe a later chapter ;) Requiem ball?... Now that you mention it, that would be a good idea... *bulb lights up above my head* I need to include that later down the line somewhere. Hmmm..  
****Torture. There is to be torture in your story. I am happy/scared. Hared, scappy, or whatever. I'm just very excited and.. Yup. I am a sadist, though I will probably cry and curse your name after the torture.**

**Libertied Insanity: Why thank you! Homework *heavy sigh* I've got some to do too.. It's due tomorrow, but _homework_.. It's.. It's.. *sigh* Good luck for whatever you're doing.**

**Squishy: You will wait no longer, fair maiden. Sorry.. I just felt like saying old-fashioned stuff - been doing it all day. The sass? Oh! I love their sassy banter too :) And THANK YOU! I love the use of the caps lock to compliment me *cheesy grinning face*.**

* * *

The Theatre Royal on Hawkins Street was packed with nearly two thousand people seated to watch the opera. Row upon row of people sat in plush chairs on various platforms, the earliest people securing the best seats in the house. The centre stage was not yet lit and the red material of the curtains still had not yet lifted; an excited hubbub hung low in the atmosphere.

Skulduggery had Stephanie's hand in his own, leading her through the many aisles to find the perfect seats. His hand was soft and warm, Stephanie noted - it was pleasant.

"Oi! Skulduggery!" a familiar sounding voice yelled. It was Erskine, and he was waving at them, his arm high over his head and swinging around haphazardly like a demented bird with no course of action. It was actually quite amusing how many people were staring at him with a covertly puzzled expression and others with open interest. Stephanie thought she caught him wink at a lady with shiny brown hair and dark brown eyes at one time; she had a very prominent nose. The lady, very predictably, swooned, and there was no missing the smug smile adorning Erskine's face.

Skulduggery rolled his eyes and tugged gently at Stephanie's hand, pulling her toward Erskine, and Stephanie took a moment to study the golden-eyed young man in more detail. He actually looked... Wow. He looked handsome. He was dressed similarly to Skulduggery in a dress shirt, trousers and two-toned shoes, but with his necktie loosened and his top button undone. It gave him the air of studied nonchalance. Stephanie could see why the lady had swooned, she, herself, found that she quite liked it.

"Looking pretty tonight, Erskine," Skulduggery remarked.

"I do, don't I?" Erskine replied, grinning.

"Though not as pretty as me, of course."

Erskine rolled his eyes and made as if to answer-

"My God." Dexter Vex poked his head over Erskine's shoulder. "Is he giving you his ego _already?" _

Stephanie nodded seriously. "I'm afraid so."

Dexter looked at Skulduggery, exasperated. "_Already?" _

Skulduggery shrugged. "I was just setting the record straight for who's the prettiest tonight."

"It's not you, Skully," said Erskine in a sing-song voice.

Skulduggery looked affronted. "Then who could it possibly-"

"I think that honour goes to the absolutely ravishing young lady currently perched on your arm." Dexter shot her a charming grin.

Oh, Stephanie liked _him._

Skulduggery was probably pouting, but she wasn't looking. She patted his arm. "There, there, Skulduggery. You know I can't help it."

"You're mocking me," Skulduggery accused.

"What? No! Not in the least!"

"You're mocking me." He sounded resigned.

"Well, maybe just a bit." Stephanie grinned.

"Just sit down."

"Can't take that the girl's prettier than you?" Erskine asked innocently, batting his unfairly-long lashes.

"Shut up, faery prince. I'm still prettier than you."

"Oh?" Erskine struck a pose and pulled a ridiculous pouty-face. "I haven't the foggiest what you're talking about, Skul. I'm prettier. Wouldn't you agree, Saracen?"

Saracen, who until then had been trying – and failing – to do his necktie, finally gave up and looked at them. "I think..."

"Yes?" said Skulduggery, clearly impatient for the answer.

"Well, I think Erskine's the classic prince charming and Skul's the roguish pretty-boy."

"But who's prettier?"

"Hmm..." He studied them both critically. "I'm going to go with..."

Stephanie felt Skulduggery take a breath.

"Erskine."

All the breath suddenly left Skulduggery's body. Stephanie was amused to see Skulduggery's ego deflate like a balloon, all the hot air rushing away up to the ceiling, leaving Skulduggery nearly slumping on her arm.

A smug smile adorned Erskine's face.

"Woe! Woe is me!" Skulduggery wailed, only slightly mockingly.

Dexter rolled his eyes and sent Stephanie another charming grin. He proffered his arm. "Let us take a seat away from these bumbling buffoons, shall we?"

"God. What is with you charmers and holding out your arm?" She grinned and took it anyway.

"It's gentlemanly. Do I not strike you as a gentleman?"

"A gentleman, indeed. A charmer, a womaniser. I bet you've wooed many a lady with that charming smile."

"My dear, you are right," he said as he led her to their seats. "But you have me confused with Erskine, who is a true womanizer, and I his disciple." He grinned sideways at her.

Stephanie snorted in an unladylike manner. "Weirdoes, the lot of you."

They took a seat near the front, but not too near the stage.

"So how's Skulduggery treating you," Dexter asked.

"He's been annoying. Is his ego always threatening to flatten houses with its size?"

"Oh yes." Dexter nodded wisely. "You don't know the half of it."

"I don't think I want to find out."

"Good choice, good choice. You know," he leaned in closer, "we have plenty of stories to tell you about Skulduggery. Good ones. Scandalous ones. Ones to use against him in any situation no matter what. It'll be amazing."

Stephanie felt herself grin wider.

"Like there was this one time- Oh hi, Skulduggery!" Dexter held his hand up in a wave,

Skulduggery narrowed his eyes. "Why do I get the feeling that there's something you two are hiding from me?"

"That's because there is."

"Okay then." Skulduggery nodded and made to sit next to Stephanie, but Erskine got there first.

He grinned at Skulduggery. "You're getting slow, old man."

"We're the same age, you moron." Skulduggery shook his head and sat on Erskine's other side.

"You look mesmerising tonight, by the way," Erskine whispered to Stephanie. His eyes also twinkled. Damn, what was with all these men and their twinkly, twinkly eyes? It must have been a charmer's thing.

"Thank you." Stephanie gave him a genuine smile.

"For God's sake, Saracen!" she heard Dexter growl next to her. She turned to see the blonde man batting Saracen's hands away from his necktie. "You've been messing with that necktie all night! You said you knew how to do it, Mr Know-It-All, you piker! You lied." He grabbed the shorter man's necktie and deftly knotted it.

Saracen looked amused. "Sorry, Dexter, dear. I didn't know it'd upset you that much. Maybe I'll do it more often; you're cute when you're all fired up."

Dexter just stared at him with a funny look on his face.

"Just like a married couple," Erskine muttered just loud enough for them to hear. He then turned to the stage and started whistling innocently.

Dexter glared, whilst Saracen seemed to be repressing a smile.

Skulduggery raised an eyebrow at her.

Stephanie raised an eyebrow in response. "Alright, people. Sh! The opera's starting!" She leant forward in her seat just as a fat man with a moustache and green face paint, dressed as a tree, came onto the stage and started singing.

* * *

**Sooo, hope you like it. 1,121 words and I still think it's too short -.-**

**Anyways... This chapter may have been influenced by Les Intouchables. Oh my God, that was hilarious. "C'est l'abre! C'est l'abre! [etc.]" **


	12. White Wine

**Hello! *wiggles my fingers in an absurd parody of a wave*  
Thank you for all the happy birthday wishes, and I love youuuu! :) **

**China Sorrows 400: Haven't you ever watched Les Intouchables? If not, you must go and do it! Yes, there's a man dressed as a tree who sings! And yes, "duh", the Dead Men are great charmers, I mean, they're the _Dead Men._ :)**

**LiveWithLyrics: Thank you! I had a great _th birthday! I couldn't bear to change the DM in any way.. Well, at least I tried not to.**

**Rollssssssss: Awww. I already requested Vilequesse, didn't I? I did. I knew you loved me really, you lil sh*t. See?! You've got me saying it too! *sigh* I love you too. (Too much love? *shrugs*) *cough* Right. He didn't announce his unending love for Stephie/Valkyrie to Ghastly, no. (It's only been about.. *counts on fingers* uh.. Less than two weeks since they met!)  
Whilst his "limbs-ahem".. That doesn't fill me with confidence... But yes to the sass! Always to the sass!  
Look at that, she's calling me a witch now! Thankee! (Linking loosely on, my mum took me to see Wicked for the first time.. It was frickin AWESOME! Sorry.. I might've rambled.)**

**FanaticPJ2003: Because I still love Ravel! My heart bleeds for him and what he did, and I will damned well make you love him in this fanfiction if nowhere else! Even if I have to go out of my way to make him extra charming. Aw, thank you! Everybody should love the Dead Men! They're so.. sejfhbhg! Also, have I told you I love your name? Do you strut around in PJs? Because if you do, respect (it's what I do). It's another Valduggery request! XD You people sure do love your Valduggery. And yup, towards the end (the very end) I think I might add in some proper soppy Valduggery (but hopefully not too soppy because I might puke at my own story), but until then I think I'm going to add subtle hints.. Or knowing me.. Maybe not too subtle.. Maybe brutal.. But not soppy! -Hopefully!**

**Iris Vhia: Yes, that is one fantastic tree! You like fat moustached trees? They're hilarious XD (in films.. Wow, I sound a bit dopey *shrugs*)**

**Squishy: Thank you! And I did have a fantastic day! You have something against Erskine, too? Stupid question, but I will make you love him in this fic! I will! I will make him pretty and nice and charming and you will not be able to help yourself! Sorry, as I said above, I still love the guy, and I will make you love him! I swear it! Huh.. Oh! The blog! (This is the part where I pretend I didn't actually have to search anything up to understand what you were referring to... Woe is me!)**

**DeadGirl19: You "love love LOOOOOVE" the adaptations to the storyline? Wow, that's a lot of love to my story.. Thank you! :D I'm reading all the compliments in that, and I'm like: *swoons*. Have I thanked you? I think I have. Ah. You aren't the only one who's mentioned a Requiem ball, but I honestly wasn't thinking that when I wrote it.. I think maybe I'll include something labelled the "Requiem Ball" later down the line because I loved that scene. And I will do my level best to "keep up the awesomeness"! Thankyouverymuch!**

**Erm.. This wasn't such a planned out chapter, more of a filler, but *shrugs* the plot will come along quite nicely later I believe.. Well, I hope.**

* * *

Dexter and Saracen were still in stitches long after the group had exited the Theatre Royal on Hawkins Street after the opera had finished. Saracen had collapsed against the wall and had commenced beating it with a pudgy fist, yelling out "a tree, a tree!" periodically, gasping for air like a stranded fish. Dexter had collapsed against Erskine and seemed to be crying with laughter. His face was wet and streaming. They both seemed to have trouble standing properly due to the loud, frame-shuddering laughs erupting from their core every five seconds. Stephanie had to admit, it was God-damned hilarious to watch them both stumbling around like buffoons. Charmers, alright. Right charmers.

During the opera, when Stephanie chanced to look to her right, she saw both Saracen and Dexter red-going-purple in the face from lack of air, all but laughing aloud at the fat man with a moustache and green face paint, dressed as a tree. She had heard a few snorts of laughter, ill concealed, and hadn't been able to help a massive grin of her own. And so she had sat, grinning like a lunatic, trying to ignore the two idiots to the right of her.

They were still laughing now.

"And- and he started singing low in his opera voice-"Dexter broke off as a laugh bubbled through his lips. He had to grasp Erskine's shoulder for support.

"And he-he-"Saracen gasped for air as his stomach shook with another bout of raucous laughter.

"What language even was that?" Dexter managed to choke out. He was still grinning recklessly.

"German." This was Skulduggery, and he regarded both their red faces with a certain level of amusement.

Saracen was laughing so hard that he didn't notice the bottle of whatever-it-was lying in the middle of the pavement in his imminent path. Stephanie was just about to warn him, when a warm, firm hand clamped down across her mouth.

She looked over at Skulduggery. His eyes were blazing with mirth. He slowly lifted a finger to his lips, an amused smile playing there. "Shh."

She made a face at him, her expression reading '_really?'._

Saracen yelled out. There was a squeal, but no thump of a body falling to the floor. The squeal sounded like a pig in a slaughterhouse.

Stephanie looked back at Saracen, expecting a sprawled heap on the floor with a mop of brown hair on top to boot. Her eyebrows shot into her hairline at the sight: Erskine had managed to grab Saracen; the small of Saracen's back rested against his arm. They were nearly nose-to-nose and Erskine's breathing seemed laboured. Stephanie wasn't sure if it was only down to the fact that Erskine had moved so fast. She regarded that snippet of thought with a raised eyebrow. Saracen and Erskine? Erskine and Saracen?

She snorted, but quickly covered it up with an embarrassed cough.

Saracen, for what it was worth, just blinked lazily up at the golden-eyed young man. "I knew you secretly had something for me, Ravel. Say," he added casually,"are you the one who has been sending me love notes?" He grabbed Erskine's shoulders and hauled himself up. He then patted his pockets lightly, pulling out a slightly crumpled piece of paper. The paper looked expensive, quality writing paper. "Was this you?" he asked, waving it under Erskine's nose.

The man with the golden eyes just wrinkled his nose then looked confused. "Why would I do that?"

"Because you love me?" Saracen batted his lashes. "It's even signed 'your secret admirer'." He tilted his head, noting Erskine's honestly baffled expression. "Well, if it wasn't you, then who was it?"

"Someone else?" Skulduggery suggested helpfully.

Saracen turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

"It wasn't me," Skulduggery said hurriedly. "Don't mistake my meaning, Saracen, you're... erm... Handsome and...?" He looked at Dexter for support.

"Cute" he supplied.

"Yes, cute," Skulduggery said. "You're cute, but not really my type."

Saracen now had both eyebrows raised and looked at Skulduggery, then Dexter, and back to Skulduggery again. "Alright then. I will find out, you know." He looked at all the Dead Men present individually. "I will." He gave a decisive nod and started walking, whistling a jaunty tune. "Where to, my friends, where to?"

"The Midnight Inn, where else?" Dexter said drily.

* * *

Anton smiled as they all walked into the Midnight Inn. "How was the opera?" he asked.

Dexter and Saracen snorted immediately, and in perfect unison. Dexter was holding back his laughter, Stephanie could tell. His face had gone slightly red.

"Good," Stephanie said. "It was in German."

Anton's eyebrow twitched the tiniest bit; he smiled.

"Sounds like fun," a gruff voice said, coming from behind her.

Stephanie jumped then turned, possibly both at the same time, smacking her face into somebody's muscled chest. She froze for a few counts before stepping back and rubbing her nose ruefully.

A scarred, definitely masculine face grinned down at her.

"Ghastly," she all but squealed. She wrapped him in a tight embrace. "Have I thanked you yet?"

"You have," he said,"but you're welcome anytime."

Stephanie smiled and moved back to the counter.

Ghastly slapped some coins onto the table. "Six drinks please."

Anton just looked at him. "Ghastly, please, I will not take your money. You know that. The drinks are on the house."

Ghastly smirked a little.

"Did you see that lady sitting in front of me?" Erskine asked from somewhere in the inn. "Her hair, her _hair._ It must've come from the Georgian era or something or other. It was so... puffy. Do you think she was wearing a corset?"

Dexter smirked. "It's always the hair with you, isn't it?" he asked, ignoring the last question.

Erskine looked positively offended. "Dexter, my friend, do you not remember our lengthy talk on lady's bustles'? Fabulous."

"Now don't you start."

Stephanie sat back in her stool, letting the waves of banter wash over her, not really listening. Truth be told, she had enjoyed her night greatly; she had loved the opera, moreover, she had loved listening to the opera in the company of these men, charming and suave they were. Skulduggery had been a downright gentleman toward her, and she had felt like a lady. She liked that feeling, she liked it a lot, but that wasn't what she wanted to be. She wanted to be a savvy smooth-talker; she wanted to be a good fighter, and she wanted to be funny and amusing, with maybe just a little charm on the side.

She started as someone sat across from her, breaking her out of her reverie. "Oh, it's you," she said.

"Why do you sound so disappointed?" Skulduggery asked. "Am I not lovely company?" His eyes were twinkling again. Damn. He was handsome. _Don't go there, Stephanie. _"Did the lady enjoy her night out?" he asked.

"She did," Stephanie answered. "She really did."

"Good." He smiled again, making his eyes sparkle all the more.

Anton set two clear drinks with a yellow-ish tinge in front of Skulduggery, giving him a nod. "Be responsible this time," he said sternly.

Skulduggery put on his best wounded-prince expression. "I'm always responsible."

Anton snorted.

Skulduggery looked back at Stephanie. "So tell me, how does the lady feel about alcohol in the form of white wine?"

"White wine?"

"White wine."

Stephanie smiled. "She feels good."

* * *

**Well, my money is on Val/Stephie getting drunk and maybe a little amorous, and that Skulduggery has no choice but to carry her away.. But then, I'm the author so I do suppose I have an unfairly large advantage.. *shrugs* Hmm.. maybe a little reflection scene? As in not the reflection reflection, but.. Yeah..*sighs* I'll post when I'm not sleep deprived. **

**Hope you guys have a nice (rest of the) day! :)**


	13. Drunk

**Well.. I feel very loved right now *cheesy grin*.**

**ishipthem1: Why thank you. Here's your update, and *snort* catch up on sleep? Dear God... sleep. I need some sleep. Sleep is beautiful. Beautiful. Dear sleep, I'm sorry I hated you when I was younger, but now I can't get enough of you! Yours sincerely, Me. And you may think I'm weird right now, but sleep is beautiful. Beautiful I tell you!**

**Lolz177: Thank you! I got most of it planned out somewhere, I just need to flesh it all out and write it down. Easier said than done. Enjoy!**

**YoungBlood364: Ask and you shall receive, well, not always, but in this instance. Drunk Valkyrie XD I couldn't bring myself to make her look like a complete fool because that's just cruel, but I hope you like.**

**FanaticPJ2003: Why thank you. Erm... You like Val drunk? Also, this was originally going to be a scene where Skulduggery returns from delivering Stephanie home and is talking to Dexter on... matters, but then you people wanting a drunk Valkyrie stepped in. I've got to admit though, I like it.**

**Iris Vhia: Don't worry, Ms Vhia, I have a plan. *taps nose and disappears into darkness* No seriously, I have a plan. And I think it's going to be a helluva lotta fun to write. It might be further down (a lot further down) the line though.**

**Sara b11: I hereby make a pledge to do my utmost best to continue this story.**

**Avery Mad: Aw, thank you! You think? I did not actually notice until you told me outright.. Well.. Aren't I very perceptive? I love the compliment though :) I am glad you find the Valduggery I write good. May I just add in here, that the Valduggery may turn slightly soppy later. I dread the day. Here is the next chapter. *drum roll***

**The Random Write 4.0: I'm an amazing person? *gasps* Thank you very much! I made a pledge somewhere up there, something about continuing writing.**

**Alright people, I have no idea what I was trying to achieve with this chapter, but I found it cute-ish, maybe. I just like the charmers in this. Anyway, I hope _you _guys enjoy it. **

* * *

Stephanie fingered the stem of her wineglass, giggling loudly at the story Skulduggery was animatedly recounting.

"-And then Larrikin jumped on top of the counter and smashed a bottle of rum over my head! He was flat out drunk, giggling like a madman, falling off the counter, all the stuff drunk people tend to do. I think he tried hugging Anton, too. Fierce wrestling match; it was hilarious. And my head, my head, it didn't hurt that much, but God that was strong stuff. I may have gotten a tiny, _tiny _bit tipsy." He pressed his thumb and index finger together to illustrate just how _un-_tipsy he got.

"Suurre," Stephanie slurred. "Anndd I'm a hat. Helloo!" She waved energetically, her accompanying laugh bordering on hysterical, the laugh of someone very very drunk.

"Woah there, St-," he paused. "Woah there." Skulduggery grabbed her shoulders as she started to tilt to the right.

Stephanie giggled, pulling herself upright. "You'rre cuute when you're all concerned."

Skulduggery raised an eyebrow. "Thank you, I'm glad you think that. I think you're very pretty, too."

"Do you?" Stephanie leaned in closer, a serious expression crossing her face. "Do you?" she whispered, her breath tickling his ear. She leaned back, giggling at herself.

Skulduggery had to smile. "Just how much have you had to drink?"

"Not manyyy!" Stephanie protested. "Maybe one... or two... or three. Maybe four." She grinned a distinctly drunk grin.

Skulduggery shook his head. "You lightweight. Come on, we'll get you home." He stood up, smoothing down his shirt.

"Hooome?" Stephanie slurred. She grabbed Skulduggery's outstretched hand, hauling herself to her feet.

"Home," he said.

Stephanie giggled and started walking, careening alarmingly to the left.

Skulduggery sighed. "Erskine, she's coming to you."

Erskine turned in his seat, a slightly dazed expression on his handsome face. "Wha-"he began. The rest of his words were muffled in Stephanie's shoulder as she wrapped him in a bear hug, squeezing the life of him. His arms initially flailed but settled comfortably on her shoulders after a bit. He smelled lovely.

"I like you," she murmured. "You smell nice."

Erskine shot her a grin as she drew back. "I'm glad you think so. Welcome to the land of the drunk, darling." She flashed him a drunken smile.

Next was Dexter, she stumbled towards him and simply wrapped her arms around his torso. She relaxed into him as he wrapped his arms solidly around her.

"Just how drunk are you?" he mumbled into her hair.

She grunted noncommittally. "I'm nooot drunk."

"There, there." He stroked her hair reassuringly. "We've all got to go there someday." She could feel him grinning into her shoulder. "It's part of life."

Stephanie drew back and frowned at him slightly. "You'rre too prettyyy."

"Why thank you."

"Shut uup..."

Dexter pouted mockingly.

Stephanie opened her arms to Saracen and stuck her tongue out at Dexter.

He grinned at her, all glinting teeth.

Saracen wrapped his arms around her.

"Doo youu like Dexxter?" Stephanie stage-whispered.

Saracen pushed her shoulders back, his eyebrow raised. "In what sense?"

"Youu know..." Stephanie frowned.

"I'm afraid I don't."

Stephanie pouted. "Butt you're a know-it all."

"I don't know everything." Saracen was now smirking at her totally ridiculous pout.

Stephanie harrumphed, teetering around slightly. "I'm leaving you."

Saracen put his hand to his chest. "Oh, the horror!" He grinned at her.

She scowled.

Ghastly was next. He was warm and muscular, and hugged her tight. "Skulduggery has been totally irresponsible again, hasn't he?"

Stephanie hiccupped. "Maybe."

Ghastly sighed against her head. "How much alcohol? No, wait, forget it. Just get home safe, alright? And maybe slap Skulduggery for me."

"Okay." She smiled up at him.

"Or you know, I could slap him myself. Might be fun."

Stephanie shrugged. "His face is very slap-able."

"Anton's over there by the way."

Stephanie shot Ghastly a smile over her shoulder. She held her arms open for the man notorious for hating hugs. She was careful not to over-do the puppy-dog eyes.

Anton's head tilted a fraction in imitation of Skulduggery, and then he smiled softly. "In the past," he said,"when dealing with a drunken Dead Man, the tradition was to hit them across the jaw, as hard as we could."

"Uh," said Stephanie.

"Hugging is much nicer," Shudder said, and hugged her so tight she thought her ribs might crack.

"So you dooon't hit them anymore?"

Shudder smiled. "Of course we still hit them, you're just not drunk enough to be hit yet."

Stephanie smiled hesitantly. "Uh, thanks."

Anton shook his head, taking her hand and guiding her to Skulduggery, who was leaning against the door-jamb, having watched the whole thing in silent amusement.

"Look after her," Anton warned.

"Will do," said Skulduggery cheerfully. He took her hand and helped her out of the door onto the street. "We're homeward-bound."

Anton watched the pair disappear around the corner, and no one could be sure, but they thought they saw a smile flicker around Shudder's lips briefly before he shut the door.

* * *

Skulduggery watched Stephanie stumbling around on the pavement with an amused smile on his face. Her legs wobbled with every step and she was fetching up against the wall or lamppost more times than he could count. Huh. Maybe he had been a _little _irresponsible tonight. Wait, that was nonsense. Him? Irresponsible? Never.

"Okay, Stephanie! Okay. Slow down there." He grabbed her arm and slung it over his shoulder , supporting her weight. "I think I may have been less responsible than I thought I was being..." He smiled sheepishly at her.

Stephanie grunted.

Skulduggery stopped walking suddenly. "This isn't going to work," he said.

Stephanie, for her part, just looked confused.

"Come here." He proceeded to cup the back of Stephanie's knees and tilt her back. He lifted her against his chest, one arm supporting her back, and the other her knees. She looped her arms around his neck for leverage. "Comfortable?"

Stephanie giggled almost imperceptibly. "Yes."

"Good. Let's get you home, I have a promise to keep." He smiled down at her wryly.

She just stared, glassy eyed, back.

Stephanie was lulled by the sway of Skulduggery's body with every heavy step he took. Before she knew it, a familiar ordinary door set into an ordinary wall loomed before her. It opened and Skulduggery took the familiar stairs up to the attic.

He set her down on her feet gently in front of her door.

"Thank you, Skulduggery..." She smiled at him tiredly.

He opened the door for her. "You have pleasant dreams now."

"Will do."

Skulduggery turned to go.

"Oh, and Skulduggery-"

"Hmm?" He turned.

"Nothing, I just-" She took a step forward and wrapped her arms around him. He was warm and solid and his scent was oh-so familiar. His arms settled on her shoulders. "I never got to give you this back at the Inn."

"Is that so?" She could hear the smile in his voice.

"It is so," she said softly, drawing back. "Goodnight, Skulduggery." She kissed him lightly on the cheek before taking a step over the boundary that divided her room and the landing, closing the door with a definitive _click._

"Goodnight, Stephanie," he said to the empty landing.

* * *

**Aw. Maybe I ended that a little dramatically, talking to an empty landing after a kiss and all. *shrugs***

**I have written half the next chapter. :)**


	14. Chocolate

**Hello, people! So how many days...? *Counts on fingers* Two more days until school's out.. Bliss.**

**Libertied Insanity: Alcohol? Me? Nope, it tastes.. Blergh, and burns the back of your throat - not my choice drink. Yes, the cheek! They had only known each other for eleven days; this is the twelth day! Give it timmme, woman! You demand more? More? It will come! I promise (later).  
You feel awful but I cannot hate you because you love it? I have no idea what you're on about, but let's roll with it :) She gave me un-poisoned cookies! XD Oh, Meh Screw It! I'll just go and tell her about my life now! XD S'alright, s'alright! Thank you! Alsooo, where is that update you promised?!**** *squints suspiciously***

**Lolz117: What is this 'blob'? Thank youuu.**

**ishipthem1: I'm glad you think so. Hmm.. Do you like Billy-Ray Sanguine? Just an innocent question, nothing to do with the imminent plot at all.. **

**The Random Writer 4.0: Ahahahaha XD Valduggery! I love how you're asking for more of it! I will, I will - can't say when though. Annnd.. you see *nervous laughter*, about that extra long chapter.. *clears throat* I will work on it! I was just a bit too lazy this week.. And that is honestly one of my only excuses... You see, this chapter was originally going to be 600 words, stopping just after "he got a pillow on his head", but I thought that people might've wanted a little more.. Ahem, glad you liked.**

**'LionsandmotherfuckingTrolls': I've written it! See! More than what I planned (which wasn't very much)! What is this? What is this 'feelings' you're on about?! Skulduggery has heard of no such thing!- Have you, Skulduggery? Well, maybe. That did come out a leetle weird, I must admit, annd it's another one about Valduggery XD You guys sure do love the Valduggery. (I prefer the teasing of the Valduggery. Yes, I'm that cruel and I will subject you all to it! Mwahahaha!) IwillmakeyouloveRavelIswearit! Whatthehelldoyoudowhenyoustubyourtoethen?! Alsoo, since you can't answer the PM, just reply in your review: Vilequesse, do you want me to write all the.. Explicit details or should I stop juuuust before the.. Well, you know..? (Of course you know. No, don't give me that look. Yes, I'm talking about _that.) _**

**Sarab11: Updating, updating! *types furiously***

**JellyfishSisters: *tries desperately not to grin**fails* I'm glad you like it! Seriously. You like Valduggery too? What am I on about, I've read your stories with Valduggery, oh, and Sexter! (Everybody loves a bit of Sexter.) Yup, Stephi will turn into Valkyrie sometime soon.. If all goes according to plan. I plan on bringing Serpine back in to seal the deal. Uhh.. Storyline of the book... Well.. Not exactly. I'll be keeping little scenes they have close to the book, but not the storyline, I don't think. Valkrie getting pregnant? Woah! Slow down there! She's only just met the guy!  
I have? Thank you very much!**

**Soo, I hope you like it, and now I am off to hardwire some English essay into my mind. Ta-ta!**

* * *

_Stephanie was running, running, running. Her boot-encased feet thumped against the compacted soil, crunching the dry leaves underneath. Twigs and acorns snapped and broke behind her. Stephanie ran on, dodging the tall white birches that surrounded her on all sides. Dappled sunlight filtered through the trees, weaving beautiful patterns in the air due to the light blanket of fog that accompanied the morning. It was a truly spectacular light show._

_Stephanie reached a clearing and turned, her new beloved blue waistcoat billowing out around her, unbuttoned. She was dressed in a shirt and trousers; her cap had fallen off and her hair blew freely into her face. She was smiling a serene smile._

_Opposite her stood a skeleton in an impeccable suit and a style of hat she had never seen before. The skull atop the spinal column tilted to the right. "Ready, Stephanie?" it said in an alluringly smooth voice, like velvet._

_"Ready, Skulduggery," she replied, instinctively knowing the skeleton's name. She clicked her fingers and a spark came, building into a ball of flame that sat in her hand. She grinned toothily, a dimple showing in her left cheek. She let the fire grow and grow and grow..._

_She threw her head back and laughed aloud at the pure joy of being alive. A deep, rich, velvety laugh joined hers..._

* * *

"Stephanie! Stephanie!" Someone shook her shoulder gently. "Stephanie, open your eyes."

Stephanie groaned and half-opened one eye groggily, followed by the next. She stared grumpily at the person that currently resided on the edge of her mattress.

Skulduggery Pleasant grinned his signature grin down at her. "Pleasant dreams?"

"Yes," Stephanie mumbled. "There was a skeleton and magic and a-"she yawned, "-and a forest." She closed her eyes again and buried her head in her pillow. "Go away."

"Sounds nice," he said. "What was the skeletons name? Did your skeleton have a name? Hey! Don't fall asleep on me!" Skulduggery nudged her shoulder. "You need to get up!"

"Dskeletonsnamewasskuldugewy. Ghowy."

"Sorry, what? I couldn't hear your mumblings into your pillow."

"I said the skeleton's name was Skulduggery. Go away." The red was slowly rising up Stephanie's neck, and Skulduggery doubted she even knew she was pouting indignantly. He looked on amused.

"Is that so?" He grinned down at her.

Stephanie slung her arm over her eyes. "Put those teeth away," she grumbled. "It's too early for this."

"Nonsense!" It's five past ten, high time you got up!"

"Get out," Stephanie mumbled.

"Besides," Skulduggery continued, "we have places to go today, people to see."

"Get out," she said a little louder.

"-And we can't do any of that if you're in bed for half the day fanaticizing about me as a skeleton. I must admit, that is a little weird, but hey, whatever floats your boat." He shrugged.

"Get. Out," she said, grinding her teeth. "I did not fantasise about you as a skeleton!"

"It's okay, Stephanie." He patted her shoulder comfortingly. "Many people have had dreams about moi, it was only a matter of time before you started having them too, however odd they may be. I know, I'm that handsome." He smirked.

Stephanie glared a truly magnificent death glare, capable of incinerating a wall with the pure wrath in those eyes, but Skulduggery, being Skulduggery, was not affected in the least. "Get out!" she yelled, giving up. "Get out so I can change!"

Skulduggery rolled his eyes, a smirk lurking around his mouth. He rolled off the mattress and walked to the door, showing the utmost grace. "Women," he said.

He got a pillow on the back of his head for all his trouble.

* * *

Dublin's streets were packed for quarter to eleven in the morning. Stephanie saw all sorts of faces passing her by, some harassed, some angry, some upset, and some smiling a smile that could've taken on the world then and there. She always wondered what those people had on their minds.

As for Stephanie herself, her face was stretched in a grin; she kept looking about herself, awed at the sheer number of number of people on the road. She grabbed Skulduggery's hand and pulled him into every store whose merchandise in the windows interested her. That was a lot of stores.

Skulduggery willingly let himself be dragged, the amused smile he wore never really fading.

"Skulduggery, look at this!" Stephanie held up a jar full of small blue spherical objects. "They're called _bonbons_." She tested the word out on her tongue. "Yes, bonbons. Bonbons!" She grinned at him.

Skulduggery smirked. "You're such a child."

"Hey!" Stephanie pouted indignantly. "I've only been in the city for nine days! Everything is new, everything is wonderful," she finished with a wistful look in her eyes. "Don't you just love the hustle and bustle of people? Don't you?"

"Erm, no."

"Don't you ruin this for me. It's still all wonderful."

Skulduggery shook his head. "You like wonderful? Just wait here, I'll be back with the _wonderful_." He spread his hands out in the air in a magician's fashion, a small smirk on his lips. He flashed her a grin and walked in the direction of the counter, commencing to talk animatedly with the round-faced, bright-eyed shop assistant.

Stephanie looked on perplexed, but soon went back to gazing at the mysterious blue bonbons in the jar. She shook them slightly, noting how light puffs of flour burst against the glass of the jar. They were odd little things. Stephanie turned her attention to a tub filled with what was labelled as "Black Liquorice", followed by "Try Me". Stephanie gingerly took one up, bit into it and rolled it about on her tongue. She made a face. It was disgusting. She looked around furtively, checking that nobody was looking, and shoved the disgusting liquorice underneath another tub, out of sight. Blergh. She shuddered at the after-taste it left in her mouth.

"I'm back."

Stephanie jumped and turned guiltily. "Hey, Skul."

He shook a colourful box in front of her face. "Guess what's in the box." He grinned at her, all shiny white teeth. The contents of the box rattled slightly; it carried the scent of something sweet, but then again, the whole building did – it was a sweet shop after all.

"Um. Bonbons?" Stephanie hazarded.

"No." Skulduggery shook his head. "Even better."

Stephanie's curiosity was piqued. "Black liquorice?"

"What?" Skulduggery made a face. "Oh, God no. Way better."

"Erm..." Stephanie discreetly tried to read the other labels for other sweets. "Pear drops?"

"Hm? No. They're nice, but this is nicer."

"Marzipan?"

"No."

"Um. Humbugs?"

"No siree."

"Blackjack?"

"Nope."

"Kola cubes? Bubble gum balls? Giant strawberries?"

"Nope, no, and no."

"So what is it?" Stephanie asked, perplexed.

"Chocolate," said Skulduggery.

"Chocolate?"

"Chocolate."

Stephanie blinked. "What's chocolate?"

Skulduggery's jaw snapped closed and he stiffened, his eyes widened to a comical degree. "You've never had chocolate?" His voice came out strangely high pitched, sounding strangled.

"Um, no."

Skulduggery shuddered imperceptibly then set his jaw. "Well, that's going to change today, missie. Come." He grabbed her hand. "Have you got everything?"

"Yes."

"Grapes?"

"Yes."

"Apples?"

"Yes."

"Oranges?"

"No."

"No oranges?" He raised an eyebrow.

"No. You have them."

"Oh, yes I do! Books, check. Writing implements, check. Envelopes, check. And chocolate."

"Check."

"Yes, we're ready to go." He smiled at her and held out his arm.

Stephanie took it. "Go? Go where?"

"Back home to gorge on chocolate, of course."

"Of course." She grinned. "Home."

* * *

**Figures she wouldn't know the wonders of chocolate, right? But, oh, the horror of it! **


	15. Toll Road

**Firstly, I'm sorry this took so long.. *clears throat* I just wasn't in the mood for writing more than reading.. You understand what I mean? Well.. It's here now!**

**JellyfishSisters: Yes, all the chocolate! Mmmm... I've got so much chocolate that I need to finish.. It's making me kind of sick.. Oh my God, that is an amazing idea; it would be hilarious! With Valkyrie all innocent there and the Dead Men revelling in Skulduggery's awkwardness XD Now I wonder where I'm going to put that... (because it sounds like a great idea)(I'm considering the epilogue, but then again I sorta messed up my own plot...)**

**YoungBlood364: Yup, home sweet home!**

**Heslen: Okey dokey! :) I've gone back and added a hyphen after searching up the grammar rule. Thank you very much! And I agree, dialogue does seem to be my strongest point.**

**Avery Mad: Chhoooocccooolate! White chocolate.. Hmm.. I prefer milk chocolate, or dark. Kit kat? I haven't had one of those in aggges. I've forgotten how it tastes.**

**ishipthem1: You like Billy-Ray? Same. And all will become clear, young one... *mysterious fog* -in a minute, if you read on.**

**Mya2015: Aw, thank you! :) (This is what your updates were distracting me from, _this!) _**

* * *

The streets were very much the same at half-past one in afternoon as they were at quarter to eleven in the morning, though the number of people on them seemed to have swelled tremendously. People literally choked the sidewalks, surging onto the roads; cars travelled snail-paced so as not to hit civilians. The tight throng of bodies was suffocating.

Stephanie stuck close to Skulduggery, keeping her satchel with all the goods in her line of sight at all times; she doubted the Dead Men, as they called themselves, were the only thieves in this city.

"So are you still enjoying the 'hustle and bustle of the people'?" Skulduggery asked, a casual amusement colouring his tone. He glanced back at her.

Stephanie spat somebody's straw-coloured hair out of her mouth. She made a face. "Yes. In actual fact, I am." She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Mature, Stephanie, very mature. Careful you don't get somebody else's hair in your mouth, now."

Stephanie closed her mouth and harrumphed. "Shut up."

Skulduggery smirked; his eyes twinkled, dammit, how they twinkled.

"What's so funny?" Stephanie demanded.

"What makes you think I'm amused?"

"You're smirking and your eyes are twinkling. They always twinkle when you're amused."

Skulduggery shrugged.

"So what's so amusing, Mr Pleasant?" Stephanie asked again, dodging a particularly fat man that warbled in her way.

"In a word," said Skulduggery, "you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

"What's so amusing about me?"

Skulduggery cocked his head slightly, but said nothing. He grasped her hand suddenly and pulled her to the right, out of the throng of people, into the adjoining alleyway. He breathed out a sigh, seemingly relieved. "What?" he asked at the questioning glance.

"Nothing, just wondering why we're in an alleyway."

Skulduggery raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to go back out there?" He motioned to the mouth of the alley, where swarms of people walked by, seemingly oblivious to their staring.

"Um. No."

"Exactly," Skulduggery said smugly. "Let's go." He proffered his arm out with a flourish.

Stephanie raised an eyebrow. "Here, Mr Pleasant? Where I can barely walk without touching the walls as I am?"

Skulduggery tilted his head. "I suppose you're right." He lowered his arm. "Ladies first."

Stephanie rolled her eyes, but walked on, her boots thumping against the round at even intervals. "So, Skulduggery."

"Yes?"

"Are there any other... You know- in this city apart from the Dead Men?"

"Are there any other 'you know'?"

"Thieves," she whispered.

"Ah, thieves. I suppose there are. There are also murderers, frauds and vagabonds. They're everywhere."

"Do you have anybody specific that you report to, like a 'Big Boss'?"

"A 'Big Boss'?" Skulduggery repeated, amused. There was the sound of boots hitting the pavement for a while. "Well, he's not our boss, but we do odd jobs for him. He pays well, very well."

"Oh?" Stephanie glanced back at him.

"Meritorious. He's the son of a nobleman and lives in a mansion - very well off, but then I do suppose he likes the thrill of bringing down enemies and stealing from under their noses."

Stephanie shrugged. "I suppose everyone needs a hobby." She squinted ahead of her.

A dark shape seemingly lounged against the alley-wall some 5-metres ahead of them. The shape was moulded in such a way that Stephanie thought for sure it must've been a man, not a woman. As they approached, the shape hefted itself off the wall and turned to face them.

Stephanie halted.

"Can we help you?" Skulduggery asked.

The man had blonde hair and wore a pair of the latest rounded sunglasses. He reached into his pocket leisurely, bringing out a triangular shape. The metal of the straight-razor winked at Stephanie in the darkening light. "Yeah, you can. There be a toll on this here road, so you and the li'l lady over there best cough up. And fast." His accent wasn't Irish, or even English. It sounded outlandish, American.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think so," Stephanie said.

"You don't think so, girlie? What does the bag-o'-bones behind ya think?"

Skulduggery's face was impassive. "Where do you come from? America?"

The man leaned against the wall. "Texas. So are ya goin' to cough up?" he drawled, picking under his nails casually with the straight-razor.

"I'm afraid we won't." Stephanie went to push past the nameless man, but found herself being yanked bodily into his grip. He held her so that she was facing Skulduggery; the man's straight-razor tapped out an unfamiliar beat against her collar-bone.

"Better watch it, li'l darlin'. We don't want no one hurt, do we?"He smelled faintly of cologne and something else. It smelled like beer.

Skulduggery stared at Stephanie, then his gaze shifted to the man. "I would ask your name, but, frankly, I don't care."

"Charming, ain't he?" the man muttered into Stephanie's ear. "Billy-Ray Sanguine at your service." His straight-razor tapped uncomfortably at the little hollow at the base of Stephanie's neck. "I know who you are, Skulduggery Pleasant. There are whispers in this city's underworld."

"You make it sound so sinister. I'm flattered, I really am."

Stephanie stared hard at Skulduggery. What the heck was he playing at? There was a straight-razor against her neck, for God's sake.

"But I'm afraid, Sanguine," Skulduggery continued, "that I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder, and I don't know, possibly littering."

The tapping against Stephanie's neck ceased abruptly. "What the heck are ya on about? You ain't the police. I should-"

The back of Stephanie's head slammed into Sanguine's nose just as she shoved the hand holding the razor away from her. She turned and balled her hand into a fist, smashing it into his ridiculous sunglasses, cracking them in the middle.

Sanguine stumbled back with a curse, clutching his nose. He lifted his hand to ward her off.

Stephanie snatched his straight-razor from his grip, holding it in front of her in the most menacing way she could. Her blood seemed to be pounding in her ears, and she could taste the adrenaline on her tongue.

Billy-Ray Sanguine spat blood at her feet and stared at her. "What is it with you women?" he yelled, kicking at the air. "You come into our lives, you take everythin'! Throughout the years you got little pieces of me, of my very SOUL, and NOW? Now you got my darn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even SHAVE?"

Stephanie stared. "I'm terribly sorry about this," she said before she stepped forward and swung her knee up between his legs.

Her knee impacted and Sanguine's jaw snapped shut. He gave something akin to a whimper.

Her arm pulled back and she punched him square in the face.

He stumbled against the wall, sinking down to the floor.

Stephanie rubbed her fist against her shirt; her knuckles hurt.

Skulduggery stepped forward, looking down at the Texan in the sunglasses. "No, I'm not the police," he said, and shrugged, "but it was worth a try." He scooted down, fishing a pair of handcuffs out of his waist-coat pocket. He secured both Sanguine's hands in front of him, pocketing the key.

"Aw, hell. I didn't mean to kill all those nuns and babies, officer, I'm adjusting," Sanguine said. "Would ya at least give me back my straight-razor?"

"I don't think so," said Stephanie. She placed it in her pocket.

"You'll pay for this, girl. I will get my straight-razor back."

"Of course, Mr Sanguine." Skulduggery adjusted the broken sunglasses on the other man's face "You have a nice day now." He patted Sanguine's shoulder and stood up. "Ready?" he asked Stephanie.

"I suppose," she replied.

He picked up his satchel. "Let us go then." Skulduggery turned and his feet started moving; his boots thudded dully on the pavement.

Stephanie spared one last look at Billy-Ray Sanguine on the floor before she followed.

* * *

Stephanie caught up with Skulduggery at the next turning. "Hey, Skulduggery," she said.

"Yes, my dear Stephanie?"

"Why do you carry hand-cuffs in your pocket?"

Skulduggery paused, and tilted his head thoughtfully. "Necessity," he finally said.

"So stuff like this happens to you regularly?"

"You could say that."

"I could?"

"Yes, you could." Skulduggery smiled at her. "I do like the way you kneed him right between the legs. That's a painful, painful place to be kneed." As Skulduggery talked, his eyes seemed to be picking up sparkle somewhat. "It was amusing to watch."

Stephanie shook her head. "You could've helped, you know."

"Yes, I could've."

"Was it a test?" she asked. "I mean, I know I'm still new to this. I'm still the rookie. Did you hang back to test me, to see if I'd be able to handle it alone?"

"Well, kind of," he said.

"Actually, no, nothing like that. My shoelace was untied. That's why I didn't help. That's why you were alone."

"I could've been killed because you were tying your SHOELACE?"

"An untied shoelace can be dangerous," he said. "I could have tripped."

She stared at him. A moment dragged by.

"I'm joking," he said at last.

She relaxed. "Really?"

"Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful."

Stephanie glared. "You don't wear shoes, you wear boots."

"Bootlaces then." Skulduggery grinned charmingly. "And I notice you didn't say anything about my gracefulness. It's true, I _am _graceful."

Stephanie sighed. "Moron," she muttered.

* * *

**Plans, plans, plans. I have no idea what's going to happen next, my plot seems to have fallen apart.. Ah well, I'll work on it! Now onto other dedications, namely Vilequesse.**

**Toodles! **


	16. Low

**Okay... Firstly, I would like to say that I'm sorry that this took so long... I honestly have no excuse other than I felt too lazy... I spent the whole of today writing this up.**

**Ahem...**

**Right, replies:**

**DeadGirl19: I know, right?! Bad. Ass. And of course Skulduggery is impressed! He's mega impressed, but doesn't show it. I wonder what Stephanie thinks Skulduggery thinks of her... The city underworld thing, I have no idea where I got it... It's a quote from somewhere else, I'm sure... Some movie, though I have no idea from where. Thank yoooouuus!  
Wait, you don't like chocolate?! *gasps* Though I suppose too much makes you downright sick. I'm won't lie, I had to search up what an anachronism was... And thank you!****Just a hint of romance, yup. Just a hint. Valduggery? Sexter? Who knows... *dissipates in a cloud of smoke***

**Mya2015: Skully? A detective? Um.. No. He just carries handcuffs in his pocket because he got put in them more than enough times, and it's always useful when you want to tie someone up. Oh, and Sanguine called him "Officer" to - what's the word - appeal(?) to him? To soften him up so he could get his straight-razor back. Obviously it didn't work.**

**theimpardisat221b: I know! It's slightly weird, even if I'm the author, to imagine him human! You like chocolate? I like chocolate. You also find out Skulduggery's favourite type of chocolate in this. You're a sucker for the bad boys/guys? XD And you like to ramble? You should see me sometimes.. Aw, thank you!**

**Iris Vhia: Just look at the compliments in that... :D I'm glad you like it! Action, crime and mystery is what you're into? I guess I'm into that stuff too, especially the mystery.**

**Libertied Insanity: Yes! You promised an update! Look at the horror on that face... I'll be waiting!  
Eh? Parody of an actual scene? I'm confused... YES PLOTS WERE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! Well... Less of a plot, more of a bunch of sub-plots thrown together... Well, they kinda blew up when I got thinking -.- *sigh* Glad you love it!**

* * *

Very soon, the pair had exited the alley and were making their way down a street that Stephanie didn't know the name of, but recognised vaguely as one of the streets they had passed through on her first night in Dublin. The cobbled ground and the distance between the lampposts were familiar to her somewhat.

Skulduggery looked at her with a tilt of his head.

"What?" Stephanie asked.

"Nothing, just-" Skulduggery reached into his satchel, bring out the colourful box that Stephanie knew contained the mysterious 'chocolate'. "I thought maybe you'd like to try some now." Skulduggery grinned at her, opening the box and handing her a small, brown, sweet-smelling cube.

Stephanie tilted her head, scrutinising the shape from all angles. When she rolled it in her fingers, the 'chocolate' left a brown smear on the pad of her thumb. She scrutinised this smear closely, too. She hesitantly licked the substance off her thumb, seeming to think deeply.

"Go on, take a bite." She could hear the smile in Skulduggery's voice. "It won't kill you - I'm sure."

Stephanie shot a sidelong glance at Skulduggery before placing the small brown cube delicately on her tongue and closing her mouth. She rolled it about on her tongue, chewing thoughtfully. A small smile appeared on her face.

"This is so sweet and lovely. This is, this is-" She broke off, savouring the taste. "It's wonderful."

Skulduggery smirked at her. "I know. You haven't lived until you've tasted chocolate." He popped a small slab into his mouth and paused before a door.

It was a familiar door. It was Ghastly's door.

Stephanie smiled.

It was _home. _

Skulduggery dug the key out of his waistcoat pocket and slotted it into the lock, twisting it. He offered Stephanie another piece of chocolate, whilst he ushered her in and closed the door behind them.

Stephanie tilted her head at the cube of chocolate in her palm. "This is darker than the other one," she stated before popping it in her mouth, "and it tastes different, richer somehow."

"That, my dear Stephanie, is dark chocolate - made with more cocoa beans." Skulduggery smiled. "It's my favourite."

He removed his cap and waistcoat, draping them over the arm of the couch.

Stephanie also removed her cap, letting her hair tumble around her shoulders, but she kept her waistcoat.

Skulduggery looked at her as they approached the kitchen door. "Come on, I'll show you how to make hot chocolate." He placed a hand on the doorknob, already twisting.

"Wait!"Stephanie whisper-yelled, "Skulduggery, wait!"

Skulduggery looked at her with an eyebrow raised. "What is it?" he asked.

"There are voices of people in there. You can't just go waltzing in!"

Skulduggery raised his eyebrow further.

"You can't just interrupt a conversation like that!"

"On the contrary, my dear Stephanie, just watch me." He twisted the knob and pushed the door wide open, showing the sunny interior of the kitchen. He smiled back at her. "Coming?"

He placed his satchel on the kitchen table, nodding at Ghastly. "Hello, Tanith," he greeted the young woman sat at the table with steaming mug of something in her hands and a fat doorstopper-of-a-book under her elbows.

"Hey, Skul," she replied. Tanith wore trousers and shirtsleeves like her. She had tousled blonde hair and she was pretty. Her cheeks were quite pink, as if she had been blushing before Skulduggery had entered. A scrunched up cap lay next to her on the table

"What took you so long?" Ghastly rumbled from the counter where he was no doubt making tea. He looked at Skulduggery, then at Stephanie still standing in the doorway. "Take a seat," he said to Stephanie with a small smile.

The blonde woman smiled at her as she draped her satchel over the back of her seat. "You must be the girl Ghastly has been telling me all about." She had an English accent. It was pleasant.

Stephanie smiled.

For a moment, she felt like she was being studied. "My name is Tanith Low," the woman said.

"Oh hi. I'm afraid I can't tell you my name. No offence."

"None taken. I hear Skulduggery's been dragging you on thefts with him. How were they?"

"They've been pretty good." She tilted her head to read the title of the book under the other woman's elbows.

Tanith removed her elbows from the book and pushed it towards Stephanie.

"Norse Mythology," Stephanie read aloud. The cover of the book depicted a scene in black and white of what Stephanie thought were women holding spears, riding on horseback through the clouds. They looked as if they were flying into battle, fierce and brave.

Stephanie's finger traced the shape of one of the horses being rode on. "Who are they?" she asked.

"Those are valkyries," Tanith said, "a host of female figures who choose those who may die in battle and those who may live. They select half of those who die in battle and bring them to the afterlife hall of the slain, Valhalla, ruled over by the god Odin..." She trailed off after she noticed both Ghastly's and Skulduggery's amused stares.

Skulduggery dragged out the seat at the head of the table and sat in it. "You seem to know an awful lot about the valkyries," he commented, pulling his satchel towards him across the table.

"It's admirable," Ghastly chimed in.

Skulduggery threw him an amused glance, and Tanith smiled. "I quite like the stories and legends, all those myths."

"You do?" Ghastly asked.

"Yeah, I do. I especially like the books by Gordon Edgley." Tanith's face seemed to light up." There was the Theatre of the Tormented, Caterpillars, Into Thin Air." She looked at Ghastly with a childish delight. "You have to read them." It wasn't a request.

Stephanie tilted her head, frowned slightly, but said nothing.

Ghastly just looked amused. "Of course, Tanith. How do you get the time to read all those books with all the training you do?"

"Training?" Stephanie asked.

"Yes, training to fight. Ghastly and Skulduggery sometimes join me. I reckon I have 50/50 chance of knocking either of them onto their backsides." She smirked at them whilst they snorted. "Maybe you could come along, too." She looked back at her.

"You shouldn't underestimate her, Tanith," said Skulduggery, "she's tougher than she looks."

"You sound like you have a story, Skul." Tanith smiled. "No secrets - and are those chocolates I spy? I hope you're planning to share." She blinked innocently as Skulduggery reluctantly handed over some slabs of chocolate and offered some to Ghastly and Stephanie, too. "Go on," she said around the mouthful of chocolate.

Skulduggery rolled his eyes. "We got stopped in an alleyway after we had finished our shopping by some Texan in sunglasses, called himself Billy-Ray Sanguine.

"He wanted money, and we didn't give so he held the _'l'il lady'_ over there at knife-point, but with my cunning distraction and her spectacular fighting - she kneed him between the legs and punched his face - he was on the floor in no time. I put him in hand-cuffs."

Both Tanith and Ghastly looked towards Stephanie. "Um, hi," she said.

"I hear no mention of you helping her, Skulduggery," Ghastly said.

"I provided the cunning distraction," Skulduggery protested.

Ghastly just looked at him. "She fought him all by herself, didn't she?"

"Ahem." Skulduggery cleared his throat and scratched his head. "She did, and she fought very well at that."

Ghastly stared hard at him.

Skulduggery offered Stephanie a piece of chocolate.

"Why, Skulduggery?"

"Why what?"

"Why did she fight alone?"

Skulduggery chewed his chocolate. "My bootlace was untied."

"Your bootlace was untied," Ghastly repeated.

"An untied bootlace can be dangerous," Skulduggery said. "I could have tripped."

"I thought you said you were much too graceful to trip," Stephanie injected. She smiled innocently at him.

Skulduggery tilted his head back at her.

Ghastly sighed, sipping his tea. "I'm sure she was very good," he said finally.

Skulduggery nodded.

"Oh, applesauce and pie!" Tanith exclaimed, jumping up.

Ghastly looked over, alarmed.

"It's quarter to five!" she said. "I have to be back in fifteen minutes!"

"Oh," Ghastly relaxed. "I'll walk you back... If you want," he added hesitantly.

Tanith smiled. "All right then." She bundled her hair up under her cap and threw on a men's trench coat, pulling the collar up, covering her neck. "Come on, let's go." She hurried out of the door.

"Tanith!" Stephanie exclaimed after the blonde woman.

"Bye!" she called back.

"But your book!"

"Keep it," Skulduggery said," for next time. You might as well read it."

"Do they- I mean, are they-" She pointed after Tanith and Ghastly.

Skulduggery smirked. "Why don't you ask Ghastly yourself?"

"Um... What does Tanith work as?"

"She has some sort of agreement with her employer. She dresses as a man, acts as a butler, and doubles as a bodyguard."

"Why does she take all the male roles?"

"She objects strongly to being dressed in a maid's outfit, not after that... incident."

Stephanie tilted her head.

Skulduggery shook his head at her. "He wronged her, that's all you need to know. She snapped both his wrists and rendered him unconscious. She's a warrior, that one." Skulduggery smiled. "Come on, I'll show you how to make hot chocolate. It's great to drink whilst reading that book."

He stood up, taking the kettle off the hob. "First you put four squares of dark chocolate into the saucepan, followed by two tablespoons of honey, and a quarter of a cup of hot water-"

Stephanie watched as Skulduggery prepared her a hot chocolate.

* * *

**Ah, cruuuuud... Writer's block closing in slowly... I'll try and update quicker next time, I promise!**


	17. What's in a Name?

**Writer's block is truly disgusting, so I thought what the heck, and wrote this chapter that I was saving for another time. Ahem. *clears throat*  
Thank you to my readers for over 100 reviews! :) Love you guys.**

**Myalarne Phoenix: Tanith and Ghastly? Of course there's some Ghanith going on... But the more approaching being in a relationship kind (they aren't in a relationship yet... I don't know why I did that). Thank you! About Gordon and Stephanie: Stephanie did recognise the name, and he is her uncle, but I think I killed him off before this piece was started...**

**AVeryMadPerson: Writer's block. Yup. Though you did give me an idea and I have thanked you, but: THANK YOU! Literally grinning like a loon. "I'm MehScrewIt, and you should review it"... That sounds so cheesy, but it does rhyme!**

**China Sorrows 400: ... Really? Wow. *Places hand on forehead* Salute to you too! *salute***

**JustAReviewer: Thank you! :) Um.. The 'Incident'... Well, Tanith's uniform used to be the costume of your typical maid, but then some acquaintance of her master's called by. Whilst the master was out of the room, the acquaintance tried to take advantage of the costume that showed the calf and knee, and, ahem, Tanith broke both his wrists and knocked him out. The master stopped doing business with that guy and changed Tanith's role. (Ghastly was furious and wanted to hunt the man down.)**

**Iris Vhia: More updates below! **

**Heslen: I know, I love their friendship!  
Um... I really have not planned this, but I read your review and decided that it really does need some action. So, I wrote this (it's in the second half). I get what you mean with the fillers! :)  
**

**Lionsandtrolls: Congratulations, 100th reviewer!  
*shudders* Auto-correct *silently thankful that I don't have it*.  
Have I told you that your script was hilarious? Sorry, just had to say it. Writer's block! I have got a few ideas, and I'm going to see where they lead me... (I only have the first book, so I trawl the internet for Skully P quotes that I want to use at times.) I've said it, but I'm going to say/type it again: ****Congratulations, 100th reviewer! Love you too.**

**ishipthem1: Go Tanith! You're very welcome.**

**theimpardisat221b: Dark chocolate is my favourite, too! Skulduggery's sasssss. I love his sass too! Don't die! Dying from perfectness is an odd way to go!**

**Spudge Funker: Thank you! Her dialogue was quite flat to begin with, but I'm glad that you like it after I improved!**

* * *

Stephanie awoke with a jolt, the taste of chocolate on her tongue. She groaned and kicked the blankets from her body, swinging her legs out of bed.

The stairs creaked with her weight as she stumbled down them, having only pulled on a pair of trousers, keeping the shirt she slept in. Skulduggery had leant it to her seeing as she had brought no sleepwear of her own and did not want to bother Ghastly with making her any. Upon being presented with the loose linen shirt that seemed to puff out at the sleeves, Stephanie had smirked, making some remark about it being two centuries out of fashion. Old fashioned though it was, she soon came to see, it was the most damned comfortable thing she had ever slept in, and she had no intention of giving it back.

She pushed the kitchen door open and slunk in, sprawling forward in her chair with a yawn.

"Well, somebody had a late night," a voice drawled, "didn't they?"

"Mm-hmm," she murmured noncommittally into the table, turning her head to look at Saracen out of the corner of her eye.

"I hear you had a nice day shopping with Skulduggery," he smirked. "Tell Uncle Saracen everything."

"Shut up," Stephanie murmured, reaching out to grasp his mug of whatever. "Is this coffee?" She swirled the liquid inside the mug before taking a sip. "Coffee," she sighed.

"My," Saracen said, "anybody would think you have a hangover. Have you been staying away from the drink, young lady?"

Stephanie sat back in her seat, her head lolling slightly in all her tiredness. She pointed a single finger at Saracen. "I haven't touched a single drop since last time, actually. What are you doing here so early?"

"It's not early, actually quite late," he smirked. "I'm here to collect my new boots. Not only is Ghastly a magnificent tailor, he can also cobble."

"Cobble?"

"Yes. Skulduggery isn't the only one to know strange words, you realise."

Stephanie rolled her eye, turning her head as a very familiar figure came into view.

"Thanks, Ghastly," Dexter Vex laughed, clutching a pair of sturdy work-boots in his hand. He caught sight of Stephanie and grinned.

"I should've known you two would come together," Stephanie said teasingly.

"Very funny," said Dexter, pulling out a seat next to her and opposite Saracen. He reached out and took her - sorry - Saracen's mug of coffee, peering into it critically before taking a sip.

"Hey," Stephanie protested. "I needed that!" She reached across the table.

Dexter held it just out of her reach. "What's the magic word?" he asked teasingly.

Stephanie harrumphed, saying nothing, still reaching for her mug.

"That's not going to get you anywhere, now, is it?" Dexter asked. "What's the magic word?"

Stephanie scowled and stood, trying to reach over him that way. She still couldn't get her coffee. "Abracadabra!" she yelled.

"Hmm," Dexter grinned. "Try again."

"Hocus-pocus!" she exclaimed, leaning further, balancing precariously on one foot as her arm reached out for her mug. She still couldn't get her God-damned coffee. Damn.

"Nope."

She could see Saracen smirking at her out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head to stick her tongue out at him, and lost her balance on her one foot, managing to twist her body at the last second. She landed in Dexter's lap with a slight 'oomph'. Pain blossomed in her mouth. She had bitten her tongue.

"You know," Dexter said, "all you had to say was the magic word." He was still teasing her. Damn.

Stephanie huffed. "_Please." _

"Please what?"

"Please may I have my coffee back?"

"Please may I have my coffee back, who?"

Stephanie scowled. "Please may I have my coffee back, _Dexter?" _

Dexter smirked. "There, not that hard, was it?"

Stephanie glared. "Shut up." She grabbed her mug back, slurping in the most unladylike manner.

Saracen was still smirking. What the heck was he smirking at? - Oh. She looked down.

She was still in Dexter's lap.

She looked back at Dexter's face. "Um, hi," she said, her face slowly flushing scarlet.

Dexter just shook his head with a rueful smile, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a bear-hug.

Stephanie gave a muffled laughed and got back on her feet. "Sorry about that. I really needed my coffee." She took another sip.

Dexter shrugged.

She looked back at the still-smirking-Saracen. "Jealous," she mouthed with a smirk of her own.

Saracen rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

* * *

The pavement thumped underneath her sturdy boots. Stephanie was out alone today; Skulduggery was still dead to the world, and Saracen and Dexter had left Ghastly's place hours earlier.

"Hey, Ghastly," she had said.

He was hunched over the small table in the far corner of the room, feeding some shiny black material into the foot of his sewing machine. The needle moved rapidly. He had pins in his mouth. "Yes?" he had answered, lips slightly pursed.

"I'm going out for a bit, alright?"

Ghastly had looked at her, removing the pins from his mouth one-by-one . "Is Skulduggery going with you?" he had asked.

She had replied that he was still asleep.

Ghastly had rolled his eyes, and then told her, with a stern expression, to stay safe.

Stephanie had said she would, smiled, then left.

The walls of Dublin city were becoming increasingly familiar to her. She passed many a street with many a store, stopping and lingering in front of some, and completely bypassing others. She liked this place, she had decided. There weren't places like this back in Haggard, no, for something like this she'd have had to walk a town over and that was never possible. She was never allowed to leave the orphanage without express permission, and had to be back within an hour, an hour and a half at most. This was definitely better than Haggard.

Stephanie walked steadily down the street, hands in the pockets of her waistcoat, eyes looking forward, but mind elsewhere, on that pretty little book she had seen in the marketplace earlier. It had been a pretty book with a leather binding and an elegant golden script. She had itched to get her hands on it.

In retrospect, Stephanie supposed she could've been more aware of her current surroundings than she actually was, but idle the wantings for that book kept flitting through her mind.

All of a sudden, she felt a pressure on her arm, and with that pressure, there came a yank. Someone yanked her sideways and grabbed the collar of her shirt and the next moment, the solid brick wall was all she knew.

Stephanie was winded, but she kicked backwards, catching something.

There was a grunt and she was flipped around so that her back was against the wall. Her assailant held her tightly by the arms.

She coughed slightly and looked around. They were in an alleyway. Another alleyway. Great. She looked at her assailant and narrowed her eyes. There was something about that face, the glittering emerald eyes.

"You don't remember me?" the man growled. His face showed nothing but contempt.

Stephanie said nothing.

"You don't remember me, boy?" the man repeated.

Boy. The word struck something inside Stephanie. His voice was too familiar.

"You stole something from me."

Stephanie gave a laugh, perhaps not the smartest move. "I've stolen many things from many people," she said. "Who are you?"

One side of the man's lips lifted into a sneer. "He has snark at a time like this. Admirable." The man's eyes were cold. "You stole ten paintings in total. I want them back."

Stephanie tilted her head. "Serpine," she said softly.

"Yes, Serpine. Now you remember me? You stole more: my boots and my coat."

Stephanie said nothing.

"I asked myself: why on earth would that boy want such a thing, but the answer was irrelevant. All that matters is now. I have you. You don't have a plan, you don't have a tactic, all you have is a penchant for raising Cain." He spat in her face.

Stephanie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, told herself not to lose it. She gave a mirthless laugh. "That's funny," she said, looking up at him, eyes half-lidded.

"Is it now?" Serpine raised his hand and slapped her across the face. Stephanie's head jerked back. "Would you care to tell me why that's so funny?"

Stephanie stared at Serpine's smirking mouth and her hatred became a cold thing in her centre. She spat at him. "Because," she said, "because my name _is _Cain."

With that, she kicked his knees and jerked herself off the wall. She lifted her arm and wiped his spittle off her cheek, settling back into a fighting stance that she had often seen Skulduggery do, arms up, feet spaced apart, relaxed. She looked at Serpine coldly.

"You think you can win this, boy?" he said. "I intend to get my paintings back."

"Come and have a go," was all she said.

Serpine snarled and lunged but Stephanie snagged his wrist then stepped in and _under _the arm. She turned and wrenched and Serpine yelled in pain as a loud _crack _emanated from his arm.

Serpine tried lifting his hand to stab her eyes but Stephanie batted the hand away, chopped into the side of his neck. Serpine gagged and dropped back, and Stephanie kicked his legs out from under him.

"You never could fight worth a damn, could you?" Stephanie said, standing over him. "Not on the two occasions that I met you, anyhow. But then, you didn't need to. My partner told me all about you and your lackeys. Not all of the paintings you own were bought cleanly, were they? How many lives, Nathaniel? How many regrets?" Stephanie was talking too much, saying too much, she knew that, but she didn't seem to want to stop.

Serpine gave a bitter laugh. "What does the amount matter? It's just a number. " He fixed his glittering emerald eyes on Stephanie. "I like your gall, boy. Under different circumstances, you might've worked for me, but now, it's too late." He kicked Stephanie's knee from his position on the floor and Stephanie cried out.

Serpine scrambled up and punched her solar-plexus and she doubled over. He grabbed her neck with one hand and threw her to the floor.

She landed in a sprawling heap.

Serpine drew back his foot and aimed a kick at her face but Stephanie raised her arm to take the blow. She choked back a cry of rage.

Serpine reached into the pocket of his coat and drew out his revolver smoothly. He pointed it at her head.

Stephanie froze, licked her lips, a nervous habit she couldn't get herself out of. Her eyes flitted around. "If you shoot, the whole street will come running from the bang," she said.

Serpine smiled. "That's the beauty of silencers," he said. "Silence." He thumbed the safety.

Anger bubbled inside her, but she pushed it down. Talking was her only weapon now, she supposed. "Still with that little toy?" Stephanie asked, just like Skulduggery undoubtedly would've. She looked carefully at Serpine's stance.

He gripped the revolver in his left hand, his right being broken. He stood side on, arm extended towards her.

His lip lifted. "I don't have to use this little toy. I prefer to use a knife, but I thought this might be a little less messy. Unless you'd prefer a dagger through your skull, of course." He smiled.

"I'd rather not."

He tilted his head. "That's a shame. I needed to practise my knife throwing. I think I've become rather rusty over the few months I haven't practised."

"That is a shame," Stephanie said, drawing her legs in slowly. She wasn't going to die by his hand. No, this was _not _how it was going to be.

"I'm in two minds," Serpine said, letting his emerald eyes rove over her. "Should I use this to fire point-blank into your head, to splatter your brains against the walls, or should I stab you through the stomach and leave you here to bleed? Leaving you here would be more satisfying in the long term, I admit, but what can I say? I crave instant satisfaction. I'm shallow like that."

Serpine's finger tightened around the trigger as he released the safety but Stephanie was already diving. The bullet whizzed past her left-shoulder, missing it, though barely.

She stood up before Serpine could take aim again and grabbed the arm holding the gun, placing it in a lock, twisting it across his body. Serpine cried out and Stephanie tried to wrestle the gun from his grip. She snatched it from him and pulled back the safety, stuffing it in her pocket.

Serpine near screamed in rage and Stephanie slammed his back into the wall and wrapped her fingers around his throat. She squeezed and watched the veins come to the surface.

Serpine's hands slapped pathetically at her own, his face contorted.

She snarled and tightened her grip.

_Do it, _a small part of her urged. _Deprive him of the air he needs to live. Watch him _die.

Stephanie shook her head and lifted her lip, baring her teeth.

_He tried to kill you, _the voice in her head said, _and he will try again. It's you or him._

She tightened her grip further and Serpine's slaps at her hands became weaker and weaker still. He tried to open his mouth and suck air in, but Stephanie didn't allow it.

_Do it, _the voice urged. _Kill him._

But Stephanie didn't want to. She wasn't him, she wasn't Nathaniel Serpine. She wasn't going to kill.

She snarled and threw him to the floor.

Serpine gasped and coughed and scrambled against the wall. He raised his arm to ward her off.

Stephanie stood unnaturally still. "Don't come after me or mine again" she said, her voice dangerously low.

Serpine coughed. "Who are you?" he asked.

"My name," Stephanie said,"my name is Valkyrie Cain."

And with that, she turned on her heel and sprinted down the alley.

* * *

**And so Valkyrie Cain emerges (from the dust).**

**I hope you guys enjoyed it.**


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